Can I Tell You a Secret?

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I have something to say…as I sit here and write things about positivity and how to get through hard times, there are also times where I get completely insecure and also where I completely fuck up. Maybe other moms can relate to me. But as a mom, we’re held to the highest standards, not just by our family but by society. We’re supposed to be responsible, patient, loving, and all around multi-functional, multi-faceted, multi-tasking, multi-talented, selfless creatures. I try to be as much as I can for my kids. I’ve held many positions as a taxi driver, personal chef, nurse, therapist, teacher, the list goes on and on. I am all those things and more. BUT I am also human and have also fucked up at being a mom. I’ve cursed, thrown shit, locked myself in my room, and completely just lost control. It’s hard to share my fuckups because moms are held at such high standards, and we’re always supposed to “keep it together”. I feel guilty for losing my temper. I feel guilty for not wanting to do anything for anyone. I feel guilty for wanting to be alone. I feel guilty for not always missing my kids when they’re away for a weekend. I feel guilty all the fucking time.

A friend asked me, “What’s the hardest thing about being a mom?” I told her the guilt associated with being a parent. There’s guilt tied to EVERYTHING. Saying no to your kids when you know what’s best for them (or thinking you know what’s best for them). Disciplining them when you feel is appropriate. Buying take out instead of cooking a meal they’d much rather enjoy. Not getting them everything they want. Not having enough energy to do all that they ask. Not loving them enough or loving them too much. There’s guilt in everything. Throughout the years, I have learned to let that guilt quiet down. Because I’ve learned it’s more of my ego than the reality in itself. But there’s also the reality that I have fucked up. I’m guilty of saying things and doing things that have hurt my girls’ feelings.

As a mom, all I ever wanted to do was to protect them. But sometimes, there are days where I’m not the nicest person to be around. I don’t have it all together all the time. There are days when I’m emotionally drained, physically drained, and mentally drained. There are days when I’m just fucking drained. Regardless if you’re a single mom or not, I hope you can relate. I know I’m not the only crazy one here. Yes, I fly off the handle when my daughter asks where the toilet tissue is when we keep stock of it in the same fucking hallway closet for the past six years (or was it seven).

I’m not excusing my behavior because from those negative moments, I have learned patience and forgiveness. Well, actually, it’s an everyday process, patience. And yes, each day I am getting better. But there are still (seldom now) days when I can’t keep my composure or be the “perfect” mom that my kids or others expect me to be. Yes, I try my hardest to be a great cook, patient, and there for my girls. But there are just some days where I don’t want to answer questions and just be left alone. Left alone…a luxury moms can’t afford. After all, we signed up for this, right? Like celebrities who get a lot of hate and paparazzi attention. They too signed up for that type of hate and treatment, right??  Wrong. We are all human and deserve respect, understanding, and patience, even when we do lose it. I’m not up for that eye-for-an eye bullshit like when I was younger. Now, if someone is rude to me, I try my best to respect them no matter what. Why? Because that’s probably when they need it most. Like when I fly off the handle, that’s when I need love, respect, understanding, and patience most. I, too, crave for the things I try to offer my girls around the clock.

My two oldest are in college now and it makes me sad. Recently, it has made me reflect on myself as a mom. Moments where I could’ve done better, should’ve done better, and would’ve done better had it not been for…whatever the fuck reason or thing that was going on in my head at the time. What do I do now? Continue to beat myself up for those moments I lost it? I could. I could sit there and question why I was such a bitch. I could sit there and feel guilty about all the times I lost control. I could sit there and tell myself I don’t deserve them nor do I deserve a beautiful life. But I have chosen not to. I’ve chosen to take those moments and forgive myself, love myself, and understand myself. I HAVE to love myself unconditionally, even at my most ugliest moments. All I can do now is move forward, and learn from those moments of fucking up to become a better mom and person each day. But I also have to remember, I have to be a better friend to myself as well. I share this with you to release my imperfections out to the world. I’m letting go of my shame I’ve kept secret for too long. I’m letting go of the picture perfect mom I am not. And I am forgiving myself for who I am whether you or my kids agree or not. I have to do this for me in order to be a better version of me for you and for them.

When my girls were little, they came to me about everything. They thought I knew it all, and I prided myself on their dependence. But as they grew up, they slowly realized I didn’t know everything. My ego started surfacing. And although I knew it was a subject I should’ve just dropped, I continued to debate it. I didn’t want my kids to not depend on me anymore! There were signs of their independence growing like their bones. I started feeling fearful of them not needing me anymore. Even if I’m not perfect, I still wanted them to need me. But I had to let go. I had to let my ego go and just be fucking real. Real and honest. I let go of that need of wanting to look like a “perfect” mom to others. I let it go. And with each day, I’m learning how to just let go of the control I thought I needed to have in order to be that great mom. Now I just tell myself I am a great mom simply because I’m trying. I don’t get it right sometimes but at least I am trying. Each and everyday, I know I am trying.

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