Dear F**ing Spider

spiderman

Dear Fucking Spider,

I see you up there. Cruising along my ceiling as if you own it while I fold clothes below you. It’s almost 8pm and I’m fucking tired. I’ve been home all day, alone, with two children, one who was home sick from school and I do have a day job too. It was a fucking hard day, you bastard.

I put on my workout clothes this morning with high hopes. I still have them on, still unshowered, and my Subway flatbread sandwich (nutritious and well-balanced dinner, right?) is weighing too heavy on my stomach for a proper workout. Not to mention I’m exhausted.

Now I’m on the home stretch! I have one child in bed, the other on her way. I have a ton of housework to catch up on plus work to finish up. I do want to sit down and relax with a big, fat-ass glass of Rum Chata on the rocks baby!

You picked a fan-fucking-tastic night to break into my house. I can’t reach you, you coward. You’ve started suspending from the ceiling twice, I’ve gotten my tissues and toilet ready but you cower back up before I can reach you. Little fucker.

My husband is home. But he won’t come get you. He’s had an extra long day at work today. He’s already comfy in bed so despite my begging he said to just leave you.

My daughter got curious and came down for a glance. She said you weren’t even a big deal at all. Thanks a lot kid… She also told her father that you were just a tiny spider. TRAITORS!

But you’re not tiny. You’re big and you have long uneven legs (which just bothers me but that’s a whole different story…).

So what am I supposed to do now? I can’t just go about my night knowing you’re wandering around my house. I don’t care how many fucking bugs you want to eat for me. Get the fuck out of my house!

No, I have a better idea, come down to me and let me take a whack at you. Let me take all my stress from the day out on you! I tried to throw a toy at you (sorry about that by the way…) but I missed so you’ll have to come down so it’s legit.

Or how about you crawl up to my bedroom and when my traitor husband goes to sleep snoring with his mouth wide open, you just crawl down into the great unknown that is his esophagus! Shit, did I just say that out loud?

Anyway, kindly REMOVE yourself from my house on your own or you’ll be taking the wet elevator (aka toilet) to meet your maker.

Go spin a web OUTSIDE WHERE YOU BELONG… hello, are you listening to me? Oh. My. God! Where did you fucking go?! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Goosebumps. There are spiders crawling all over me now! You mother fucker! AHHHHH…..

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