(Death To) The Teacher Gift : A Recurring Nightmare

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So I was totally in the store the other day and seriously could not help but be overjoyed that I don’t have to buy anymore teacher gifts.  Man, talk about the memories…and not pleasant ones at that.  Fun fact #39 about me… I sucked at buying teacher gifts.  And I was never that mom who would send in fresh baked goods, handmade cards or perfectly wrapped presents. Buying teacher gifts usually meant running to the store last minute the night before the classroom Christmas party.  The sad thing… I actually thought I was pulling it off!  It wasn’t until someone (whose opinion I happen to value immensely but shall remain nameless) pointed out to me that my gifts were ummm…. let’s say… crappy.  After all, what doesn’t say “I appreciate you teaching my child” better than a $4.88 kit of holiday lotion from Walmart, right? How about that yummy box of off-brand chocolates?  Not so pleasant smelling candles?

Now, I know how you feel. I am not going to lie. The moment I found out I was the mom who gave the awful gifts… it felt a little like finding out Santa Claus wasn’t real. I was utterly devastated.  How could I have been so stupid?  After all, would I want any of those things?  Let alone use any of them?  I started imagining all the shitty teacher gifts piled away in some forgotten box at the back of the copy room stuffed behind the die cut machine… never to see daylight again.

Here are some gift ideas that are most likely to land on the teacher’s shit list for sure….

  1. F*****g mugs! Better yet… mugs filled with dollar store strawberry wrapped hard candies. Seriously, like the million other parents in years past haven’t thought about what a great gift another useless holiday mug would be.
  2.  A picture of your child… who just might be the asshole child in class… just saying. Nothing says Merry Christmas like seeing your pain in the ass child; even after school hours.
  3. Homemade food… who doesn’t want to eat food made from the tiny humans who pick their nose, may forget to wipe and not wash their hands all the time right? Ummm… is that cat hair?
  4. My personal favorite… a cleaned out urn…. Seriously, It. Happened. People. I don’t even want to know where those ashes went.
  5. Re-gifted jewelry… like the broach your mother in law gave you… with the missing gemstones…  how devastated you were when you accidentally lost it (wink, wink).
  6. Cheap perfume or lotions… I am pretty sure the stores just keep bringing out the same old bottles left behind year after year… ummm is that bottled dated from 2010??
  7. Sex toys… no matter how bad you think your child’s teacher needs to “get some” to put her in a better mood… I can assure you the feelings will not be mutual.
  8. Just one bottle of wine… how many glasses does it take to undo a day fraught with 25 little hellion’s… one size does not fit all…
  9. Last but not least… apple themed anything… what teacher doesn’t love yet another damn best teacher apple magnet to display in her room? I bet that gray eye sore of a filing cabinet has room for just one more….

I know the holidays can be overwhelming. And buying something sweet for your child’s teacher is just another gift on your list.  So let’s just consider this something along the lines of a public service announcement, shall we?  It’s not about the cost… it’s about the effort and the thought that goes into teacher gift buying. Let’s face it, your child’s teacher has to put up with them every day … all day.  If you want any chance at not humiliating your child and run the risk of having their grade drop a point or two, I am thinking something along the lines of  a nice gift card…. or spa day… or trip to the Caribbean as payoff.

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