F* You, Perfect Part-time Nanny

f you perfect nanny shutterstock_338943638 copy

The other day, our part-time nanny and I were each putting on one shoe on my toddler son. While I was still adjusting the sock seams at the toes, she was already adjusting the tongue of the shoe for the perfect fit. My son beamed at her. And it dawned on me: she’s a better mother than I am.

As I thought more about it, I could easily cite 14 different ways in which she far exceeded my bumbling mothering ways:

  1. She doesn’t let the dishes “soak” in the sink for the rest of the day but washes them immediately, even the ones that can just go in the dishwasher.
  2. When my other toddler son hits someone, she asks him why he did that in such a way that it seems it was a simple mistake. She does not yell at him, put him in time out, and then get mad at the other two kids just for being near her.
  3. I’ve never seen her drink wine.
  4. I’ve never seen her with a hangover.
  5. She has never tried to get them to stop whining by whining herself, only louder.
  6. I’ve never seen her in a full-on brawl to change a diaper.
  7. She always puts the cushions back on the couch. She even fluffs them.
  8. The other night she gave the kids waffles and ice cream for dinner. I would love waffles and ice cream for dinner.
  9. She never waves her hand in a rolling motion to get my kindergartener to start telling the story that she keeps thinking about telling while just saying, “Um, so, um, at school, um…”
  10. She never just responds, “Really? That’s amazing!” to my speech-delayed son when she can’t understand what he just said.
  11. She drives … so …. slowly.
  12. She directs them towards arts and crafts projects. I can’t do arts and crafts projects with them. I get too sticky.
  13. She picks the kids up when they cry instead of telling them exactly why what just happened was the inevitable outcome of their actions.
  14. She is, right now, painting little rainbows on my daughter’s fingernails. How the heck does she do that??
But, you know what, Perfect Part-time Nanny? In the middle of the night, when my two year old wakes up and cries, he wants me to come. Me, his mommy. He wants me to lay on his booger-encrusted bed so he can throw up on me and then, after I change him, change the sheets, and change my pjs, he likes to mash up his little face right against mine so I can still smell the puke on his breath while he sleeps on my face. Me, his mommy!
So f-you, Perfect Part-time Nanny. You don’t get the good stuff.

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