How To Revamp Your Child’s Playhouse (and Totally Lose Your Shit) In Ten Easy Steps

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God Lord Almighty why oh why do I do this to myself!  Two days ago the girls and I decided to give our little swing set/playscape a face lift.  What I envisioned as a fun, easy, summer family project turned into anything but.  So now I sit here (covered head to toe in paint, dirt, wood chips and glue, angry-typing how you too can create hell in your own backyard and and basically ruin peace, dreams and sanity in ten easy steps.

Have fun kids!

Step One

Have one too many cocktails at the pool and get on Pinterest.  Fall down the rabbit hole that is talented people making awesome shit.  Decide that you too can make awesome shit!  Find a cute, bright, outdoor cottage that your kids will love.  Decide that you will create this no problem.

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Step Two

Tell your kids about your stupid ass idea.  Well now it is gospel.  You spoke it and it is truth.  You can not go back on your slightly tipsy word.  You will be building a cozy cottage come hell or high water.  You are in for it now.  Idiot.

Step Three

Swallow it down and embrace the bad decision that you have made.  Make your poor husband get on your crafty bandwagon.  Have surprise day-sex with him in the bathroom so he now can’t say no to your evil and satanic Pinterest plan.  Try to get excited about this family project and involve your children.  Allow them to select the clubhouse paint color.  Cringe in the paint aisle of Home Depot when they joyously choose Eat-Your-Brain orange.  Try and talk them into a more serene color.  See their faces drop, their tears fall and give in to the grossest shade of orange ever created.  Your neighbors will hate you for this one.

Step Four

Give the kids one more chance to get involved.  Let them paint the clubhouse.  What the hell!  It’s outside anyways.  Give it all of ten minutes before you realize that you are way to uptight for this shit.  Kick them out of their own clubhouse and spend the afternoon painting moldy wood and cursing your stupid fucking ideas.

Step Six

Try and lay some flooring in the teeny tiny crap cottage.  Buy all sorts of supplies, set up saws and fuck it up several times.  Get in three giant fights with the husband who is also clearly inept at kiddie cottage dreams.  Lay the pea gravel, plywood and cheap vinyl tile and step back.  You idiot!  You didn’t buy enough material because you suck at math!  Back to Home Depot for the third time today.  Nearly cry at how shitty it looks while mentally adding up the emotional, financial and physical cost of this stupidness.

Step Seven

Take a marital blood oath that you will never build your ungrateful children one more thing.  Hide in the garage and drink a beer while crying into the sawdust shavings.

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Step Eight

Finish the God Damn thing and walk away.  Begin mentally preparing for tomorrow when the children will either complain about the thing or not play in it at all.  Worse yet….they might play in it all day and destroy it, along with your will to continue living.

Step Nine

Put the kids to bed early and go sit in their stupid cottage while drinking another beer.  Remind yourself that this too shall pass.  Pull out your cell phone and delete the Pinterest app from your phone.  Fuck you Pinterest.  You are the ultimate crusher of mom dreams.

Step Ten

Just as you are about to select the delete icon you spot an adorable little DIY veggie garden.  OMG the kids would totally love this!  You look out of your teeny, tiny orange prison and see the perfect spot for it.  Hmmmmm, you can do this.  Totally!

Next weekend’s family project is decided.  Pin that shit!

Perhaps I will post completed Playhouse pics…or pictures of me burning that mother to the ground.

Stay turned.

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