How to Take a New Profile Picture in 51 Easy Steps

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When I started writing for Suburban Misfit Mom I decided I needed to update my profile picture. The one I’d been using on Twitter was over-filtered in a “Refuse to acknowledge I’m 40 and wrinkling” kind of way, and my hair was a mess because I took the picture in my minivan on a rainy day during what was probably the only 15 minutes I had without a kid or two hanging around. (Was that a Walgreens in the background? Yes. Yes it was.)

Should be easy, right? I mean, I’m no supermodel but I’m also not Quasimodo over here so it shouldn’t be hard to get a decent picture, right? Point-click-done, right?

We’ll see about that…

Here’s how to take a new profile picture in 51 easy steps:

1. Open your phone’s camera.
2. Put the camera in selfie mode.
3. Arrange your hair in a playful yet casual manner.
4. No, not like that. Maybe try to make it wavy or something.
5. Ugh. Fine, just fluff it up a bit.
6. Too fluffy.
7. Realize your hair is stupid.
8. Curse.
9. Check your makeup.
10. Wow. Have you looked that pale all day?
11. Lipstick!
12. Too dark. Take it off.
13. Try some eyeliner trick you saw on Pinterest.
14. Oh. Well that can’t be right.
15. Realize you’re really bad at makeup.
16. Curse.
17. Fluff up your hair again.
18. Look straight into the camera.
19. OH GOOD LORD.
20. Ok, angles are better anyway.
21. Pose your face at a slight angle.
22. More angle.
23. Too far. Now it’s an extreme angle and you would never look like that in real life.
24. Try putting your chin down.
25. Maybe chin up?
26. Ok. Chin down, 35°-angle face, tilted head. Got it.
27. Fluff hair.
28. Wait, is that laundry in the background?
29. Move laundry.
30. Realize the lighting in this spot is all wrong.
31. Move to another spot.
32. Too dark. Move again.
33. Too bright. Now your face is all washed out.
34. Walk around while aiming your phone at your face until you find the one well-lit but not too-well-lit area in the house.
35. Fluff hair.
36. Pose.
37. Move your arm up to hide the electrical outlet in the background.
38. Now the space under your arm shows the laundry on the floor.
39. Curse.
40. Move laundry.
41. Fluff hair.
42. WHOA! IS THAT CLEAVAGE? TONE IT DOWN, THERE, JEZEBEL.
43. Fluff hair.
44. Big smile!
45. Oh wow, that looks creepy.
46. Little smile. No teeth.
47. Ok, maybe try to make your eyes twinkle, like you’re thinking of something funny.
48. Ew, not like that. Now you just look constipated.
49. Fluff hair.
50. Lament that’s it’s too late to lose 10 pounds before you take the picture.
51. *click*

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