Menopause Anyone?

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I recently had the pleasure of turning 46… yep… creeping up on ancient I know.  When the love of my life asked me what I wanted for my birthday, my answer was simple… menopause.  And before you call me crazy… let’s do the math.  I have roughly spent the last 360 months with not-so-pleasant bleeding, uncontrolled crazy-assed hormones, God-only-knows-how-much-chocolate-consumption (okay… so not a bad thing), cramps from hell, and the ever pleasant I-can’t-fit-into-any-of-my-clothes-this-week bloating.  Which equals me jumping up and down, waving my hands, and loudly shouting… “Me! Me! Pick me Menopause!”

Not to mention, my eggs are no longer needed.  At this point, they are basically just hanging around and taking up space (kinda like my teenagers).  Those baby wanting days have been over for quite some time now.  I did have an “Oh shit” moment recently…I went like 5 months without a period.  Add a pinch of weight gain in there with a mixture of nausea and I ran straight for my doctor’s office.   I was hoping for a “you are in menopause” diagnosis.  But, if it ended up being the “P” word, hearing it from Dr. hottie with his hipster jeans and flip flops, hair all perfectly tussled and yummy would have made it a whole lot easier to swallow… for the moment anyways.  Seriously… he could make “you have diarrhea” news sound sexy.

Turns out that planning a wedding, buying a new house and having your two oldest daughters move back in from their college apartment can lead to stress; which can trigger eating everything followed by  “I think I need to vomit” moments.  And I will take a stress-induced-M.I.A.-period over pregnancy any day, although, I think the love of my life would have preferred the latter.  I had a taste of period freedom… and I wanted it back.  I started thinking about all the wonderful ways my life would be improved with Menopause…

  1. I could totally have more money for wine. I mean, have you seen the price of tampons lately?? I have designer shoes that cost less than a box of those babies.
  2. I could wear white… whenever I wanted. I would no longer have to plan a week’s outfit around my fat pants.
  3. I could save crying for serious things like empty bottles of wine instead of sappy commercials.
  4. I could totally erase the phrase “my boobs are killing me right now” from my vocabulary.
  5. I could sleep without needing padded armor with “wings” stuck to my underwear.
  6. I could get on my soap box without hearing “it’s that time of the month again, isn’t it?”… Note to fiancé…never a good time to say that.
  7. I could have more sex (thanks to #1, but not if the love of my life ignores #6) … without worrying about getting knocked-up either.
  8. I could totally get rid of my “period panty” stash… more room for sexy lace ones (to use for #7).
  9. I could save ibuprofen for proper things like hangovers… no more cramps… ever!
  10. I could live by the motto “just say no to PMS” and mean it.

Although I did not get my birthday wish, I will cling to the hope that menopause will be knocking on my door one day soon.  Until that happy day comes, let’s hope the love of my life stocks up on enough chocolates, wine and “yes dear” comments to keep the peace… not to mention his sanity.

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