Mother Nature Tried to Ruin My Romp


So awhile back, I got an fairly early morning text from “Benefits Man” (Benefits Man served one purpose and served it well while it lasted).

“You awake?  Wanna meet me at the lake for a run?”

Benefits Man liked to run 5Ks and half-marathons and nonsense like that.  He wasn’t in the greatest shape but he sure did like those runs.

Me?  I didn’t and still don’t run.

“Awake yes.  Just now.  You’re really running?”

“Walk, run, jog, stop in the trees.  We could see what there is out there.”

I caught the innuendo because Benefits Man had taught me quite a bit and I replied with “Sure, why not?  Give me 20 minutes.”  Because, really, why not?  Everything I’d ever read or seen indicated that I was in for a great romp, filled with the excitement of nearly getting caught by either a passing bicyclist or Bigfoot, communing with nature…birds would twitter, a breeze would gently blow and that this completely natural act in nature would leave me breathless.  I mean, in the movies, the girl’s hair is always swaying or is spread out like a fan as the romantic couple gets down and dirty in the, well…the dirt.

In other words, I was in for a Top Ten Experience, right?

Yeah, it was an experience, alrighty.  And absolutely nothing like I imagined it would be.  Some things are just better left to the imagination, novels and movies, let me tell you.

It was hot.
Not the good kind of hot, the bodies hot with lust kind.  No, I mean it was hot outside and around us because it was July.   I’m pretty sure it was about 92 degrees already that early in the morning and once we hiked into the woodsy parts, I think the heat index was about 135.  There was no breeze in the woods.  Nope.  In the books, it’s never hot outside.  It’s always warm but never warm enough to cause…

I was sweating.
Again, I need to say, it wasn’t the good kind of sweating, the sweating of two bodies in lust.  No, this was genuine it’s-hot-as-hell sweat and it wasn’t just ON me, it was dripping OFF me.  Do you know what happens when you are traipsing through the woods and sweating profusely?  Nature sticks to you.  So not only was I sweating, I was already dirty and AGAIN, it wasn’t the good kind of dirty.  And this was even before any action had happened!  You know how sex for women is connected to the brain?  Yeah, nothing says “I’m sexy” like sweat dripping from your nose.

The bugs.
For the love of all things nature, I know this is never mentioned in the books or seen in the movies.  Good grief the bugs!  The mosquitoes were swarming and even though not all clothes came off, enough skin was revealed to get at least a dozen bites.  I had not anticipated this or I would have bathed in OFF before meeting Benefits Man (which might have turned him off, so…catch 22).  Nor had I anticipated that the bugs would be such a distraction.  It’s hard to focus on the Big O when you’re swatting mosquitoes off your face.  Not.  Even.  Joking.

The bark.
No, not a dog barking.  The tree bark.  See, neither of us were young enough to just stand in the middle of a field and maintain a balance.  Benefits Man searched for an appropriate tree to lean against (he’d done this before, whereas I was a Nature Virgin) and upon first sight, the tree looked like it wasn’t all that different than, say, a wall or something.  Let me be the first to tell you, it was nothing like a wall.  A wall is smooth sailing compared to a tree. At first, he braced me against it and well, then maneuvered me a couple different ways and then we exchanged the vertical bark for a more horizontal bark and needless to say, I was dealing with bark no matter what the angle.  Plus, a wall is flat, right, and the tree was curved which meant balance was still a bit of an issue.  I tried really hard to ignore the bark but you know…it was tree bark.  Sometimes there’s bugs on that too, so I had to keep an eye out for that (THROUGH the sweat and mosquitoes, mind you) and well, once again, there was no concentrating on the Big O because you know, bugs.  And bark.  Had this been a Disney movie  (an R or X rated Disney movie, obviously), the ground would have been a lovely thick carpet of lush grass.  This was NOT a Disney movie…the ground was, well, dirt and not optional.  So…bark.  And leaves.  And bugs.  And dirt.

The cleanup.
What cleanup?  This alone will forever stop me from repeating that magical experience.

The thrills.
We were deep enough (haha, pun not intended but fabulous anyway) into the woods that there was no fear of a passing bicyclist.  However, that didn’t stop me from paying attention for an errant hiker.  Or maybe two not-so errant hikers hoping to commune with nature like we were supposedly doing.  You know what happens when you’re watching for errant hikers?  Or rather, you know what does NOT happen when you’re watching for errant hikers?

I faked it.  Just to get it over with.  The Big O was not happening with so much to worry about.  I made the appropriate sounds and words, all while trying not to grimace that I might have to wash tree bark out of certain areas.  I needed to get home and shower properly.  And then later, I continued faking it with a “oh, yeah, that was great” text that hopefully came off sounding like I meant it.  After all, Benefits Man served one purpose so it’s not like I had to look him in the face with sincerity.

You know, this was never on my bucket list but afterward, I felt like I should have added it and crossed it off immediately.  Crossed off in black Sharpie.  As in been there, done that, got the bug bites to show for it.  I guess you have to be a different kind of gal to be able to ignore all of that nature nonsense and just focus on what needs to be focused on in order for you to have the best nature experience ever.  I was not and am not that person, it seems.  And I’m totally okay with that because…tree bark, people!  Tree bark.  No other explanation needed.

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