My Toy Shit List Part 2: Contraptions of Parental Torture (The Christmas Edition)

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Friends I have four young children.  I think you can all use your imaginations to visualize how many stupid, life destroying plastic toys might currently lurk in our home.  One ranty summer day I wrote about the toys that I hate the most.  You can read all about my hatred here at My Toy Shit List Part One.

The holidays are just around the corner and the toy advertisements are plentiful.  I am spending my days running thought this house in a mad frenzy cleaning out the old to make room for a whole new batch of useless and expensive shit that I dream of destroying Office Space style.

images-6 (It’s a great scene isn’t it?)

The truth is Santa is squeezing his fat ass down that chimney in a few weeks and he is unloading his sack of shit in my living room.  There is no getting around it.  Mine as well resort to what I do best… bitching.

Here are some new toys that your kids might end up getting this year and now you can hate them with me!

Puzzles.

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So educational those puzzles are.  Guess who doesn’t give a damn?

ME!

I hate them.  I have always hated them.  When my first two littles were toddlers I bought them all. Oh I was the Queen of The Melissa and Dougs.  I thought that exposing your youngsters to puzzles might have been one of the cornerstones of great parenting.  Thou shall provide thy children with expensive educational puzzles…or something like that.

We all know what happens the moment you unwrap those assholes.  The parts get lost and you spend hours every single day crawling around on the playroom floor looking for a few rogue wooden pieces.  You never find them and you sulk, move on and eventually forget about it.  Then one day you move a piece of furniture and find that bastard behind a dresser!  Victory is OURS!  You replace the magical puzzle piece like it is the missing link to the final mystery of the Universe…only to realize that another piece is missing.  SON OF A BITCH!

You know what kids?  We are not buying any more wooden puzzles.  We will be going to the Public Library and mucking up their puzzles for an hour a week.  Problem solved.  This way I don’t lose my mind, yet I am still providing some damn good educational opportunities for my offspring.

Winning.

Slime and Putty

Is this an actual thing now or is it just my strange kids?  My girls are obsessed with Putty- a specific putty that I will not name but costs about 17.00 for a tin of it.  Yeah, nearly twenty dollars for goo!  Oh please can we introduce more sticky substances into this home!

Sounds like a plan guys.

This is not a toy.  This is a parental nightmare.  Have you ever tried to remove this crud from carpeting or clothing or heaven FORBID my new couches?  No thanks.

My nine year old says that the twenty dollar slime helps her to concentrate.  That’s funny.  You want to know what it helps mommy do?

Move one step closer to being committed to an insane asylum.

Baby Doll Accessories

I spent my girlhood days rocking those pieces of plastic and dreaming of someday becoming a mommy.  When I had a little girl of my own I could not wait until she wanted to play with baby dolls too!

Never happened with the firstborn.

Another girl… Nope.  No baby dolls.  It was not until recently that my middle child decided that she too was obsessed with dolls.  I could barely contain my excitement.

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The one day she started leaving detailed lists about caring for her dolls while she was slaving away in the first grade, and she was dead serious about it.

Ummmm not a chance.

Next she started really “needing” things for her babies, like real diapers and clothes, pack and plays and toys.  The toys needed TOYS!  When you really break down the stupid of the stupid doll accessories are bound to make the list.  A fifteen dollar toy for a baby doll.  Your doll does not need an activity mat dammit!

I take it back. I take it alllll back.  Dolls suck.

The Wubble Bubble

Let me simplify this shit for you.  This is a twenty dollar balloon that will pop by dinnertime.  We have been through THREE stupid, over priced balloons and finally called it quits.  We gladly said buh-bye to what is quite possibly the dumbest toy ever…. and then I read this year’s Christmas lists.  Yep.  Even after the popping, the crying, the reordering and the drama that the Wubble brought us it STILL made the stupid Christmas list.

Never gonna happen kids.  You can take this request straight to Grandma.

Happy Holidays Moms and Dads!  Better tune up those vacuum cleaners…it’s almost time to spend our days sucking up Santa’s Shopkins and Legos.

That counts as a hobby right?

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