Note To My 29-Year Old Formerly Married Self

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I just sat there.

Listening to these young moms talk.

I wanted to lunge across the table and SHAKE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM! If only I could share my secrets! Tell them what I’d do differently. If only I knew then, what I know now. If I had the chance to tell 29- year old Jennifer all the things that 44-year old Jennifer has learned over the years…could you even imagine? Maybe my marriage would have been better. Fuck, maybe I’d still be married!

Ok, “Jennifer” at twenty-nine years old…Listen up, and take notes.

  1. The party’s over. Ok, Bridezilla, the wedding cake is gone. Stop your whining, and take off your dress…it’s over! So, what now? Well, my pretty…it’s just you and your husband. REAL life is about to begin. Take advantage of this alone time! Travel, play…and enjoy getting to know one another. Without the stress of planning a wedding. Relax! And Jeezus, Young Jennifer…don’t rush to have a flippin’ kid! Ignore the pressure you might be feeling from other moms. HAVE HOT SEX all over the house. Eat take out in bed, and laugh your asses off. Before you know it, you’ll be driving a mini-van and pumping your tits.
  2. Houston we have a problem. Ok, so getting pregnant will be easy, right? WRONG! It is for some women, sure! But for others, not so much. Come on, sex when you are ovulating at the exact time of month…is so much fun! Not. Flow charts, and temperature taking…legs up. No, legs down. Lay still. Cold balls, no hot balls. Omg. It was like fricking NASA in my bedroom. I actually remember calling my MOTHER during one of our baby-making-sessions, and asking her what to do! I was a crazy-bitch. I took all the fun out of fucking, and made it my job. #poorhubby
  3. Drop it, or I’ll shoot. NO, you can’t eat anything you want when you’re pregnant you dumb shit. Put down that Snickers! And no, I’m not having TWINS. I wanted to die. I was the size of a small house, and I was only 4 months in. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was not ok to double-fist a Slurpee AND that Oreo Blizzard? My hubby started with a size 4 and ended up with a 14. I delivered at a whopping 186 lbs, and I swear to Goddess I was SURE that kid was at least 23 pounds of it. When he came out at 7lbs 14oz I almost punched the doctor in the face. Note to Young Jennifer: put down that donut, and do a few crunches.
  4. Yes sir, that’s my baby. What do you mean that’s MY kid? Can’t you take him for a bit while I rest? Oh, didn’t they tell you? The baby is going to be all yours the minute it exits your vagina. It comes out, and then that bitchy-ass nurse leaves it IN your hospital room. Oh, like next to your bed. As if you’re supposed to know how to take care of the thing. Yeesh. Bonding at it’s best. Ummm…Does anyone know how to turn this thing off?
  5. Nobody’s perfect. You’ve read all the books. You’re going to be the most perfect parent, to the most perfect child. Guess what? No such thing. No one is perfect. No parent, and no child. I always thought every baby came out healthy, and “normal”. I was so naive. Sometimes life just throws you a curveball. You get a child with Autism. Or special needs. Or maybe, something way more challenging. They say God gives us what we can handle, well…he must’ve thought I was a flipping rock star. Yo, Young Jen! Wait until you see how PERFECT your kid turned out. We did a fantastic job.
  6. Life gets in the way of life. You have your two kids. You have your house in the burbs…the nice car, and maybe a country club. And you’re even showering on a daily basis. Wow. You are kinda doing things right. You’re still a little chubby, but who really cares? He doesn’t want to touch you anyway. Oh, now that you think about it….where is your husband? Hmmm. Have you even had a date night? When was the last time you talked about something besides the kids? He’s hardly ever in the same room, other than to watch Game of Thrones. My bad.
  7. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You do everything right. You do it faster, and better. Your way is the smartest, and the most efficient. And every time you tell him he’s wrong…you are taking away a little piece of his testicle. It’s emasculating. Step away from that backwards diaper…is it really worth your marriage to fix it?
  8. Let’s talk about sex. FUCK YOUR HUSBAND. Intimacy is the only way to keep your marriage. When it’s gone, you’ll be left with a roommate…Just two best friends raising your kiddos. Sex keeps you close; raises your endorphins. And after you make love, even if you don’t really want to…aren’t you always like, “OMG why don’t we do that more often?” I know, I know. Just do it!

Look, no one grows up wishing to live Happily Ever After Divorced. We all know marriage ain’t easy, but divorce is harder. I don’t live with regret, I just wish I was a better wife. And I wish I knew then, what I know now. But hey! I’ve grown so much, and my future relationships can only benefit from the knowledge I’ve gained. Now, who wants me? I think I’m one helluva catch! 😉

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