Penis Problems: Raising A Boy In A Family Of Girls

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My mother always wanted a little boy, and said she would have named me Adam Eugene had I have come out with the right parts. Thankfully I didn’t, because you can never be too cool with a name like Eugene. My sister also disappointed her with her lady bits, and paid the price by being named after a soap opera character. So when I had a little boy the family was overjoyed. At least until he started to discover his penis – which he did IMMEDIATELY.

I was terrified by not only the immediate grabbing of his junk, but also with the force in which he handled it. I thought those things were supposed to be sensitive. I felt bamboozled, but also a little scared – was my son one of those humans who could feel no pain like Donald Trump or Lord Voldemort?

But I soon learned the immediate discovery of the penis and obsession with it is pretty much the norm. I’m still trying to convince my mother of this. They become obsessed from birth and never lose the obsession. But not having any experience with boys it took me awhile to realize that everything he does and says about his penis is totally normal. Like the fact that:

  1. He WILL get an erection when he is an infant. It’s freaky and surprising but totally okay. He will then pee on his head and look around in wonder because he doesn’t know where it’s coming from. He will also probably pee in your mouth as you laugh at him. I am sorry.
  2. He will touch it. Constantly. From infant-hood and all the way up that appendage is on his mind. I think it’s because it just hangs there begging for attention they feel they have to touch it. And they will not care who is watching – at least not for a long while.
  3. They will stick it in things. My son once stuck his in a toilet paper tube. Hopefully that’s as creative as he gets. I can’t imagine calling the fire department on that one. “Excuse me, but my son has his penis caught in…” I really don’t want to make that call.
  4. They will slap it. Apparently when they are little it’s not as painful, so kicking a dude in the junk only works past puberty, because my son uses that thing like a bongo.
  5. Speaking of bongos, they will pretend it is a drum stick and smack it against things. You will stare, open-mouthed and appalled – but it is okay, and shockingly enough, normal. In fact, the more appalled you look the more fun it is for him.
  6. They will discuss it. In length. They will wonder why it’s the color it is, why it’s shaped that way, what this is for and what that is for – the questions will be endless and often insane to your female brain.
  7. They will want to pee on everything. Walls, grass, snow, a tree, that bug they saw in the driveway. The fact that they can aim and pee brings endless amounts of fun for them, and this one I am actually a little jealous of. I wish I could pee on a bug.
  8. They will quickly learn a thousand words for it, and they will discuss it with their friends. They will tell you all about the new names for their penis, and they will laugh, because all of them are very, very funny.
  9. They will whip it out in front of people. They are proud of their penis and have no issue showing it off to those they trust. Like when puppies roll over and show you their belly.
  10. They will attempt to do weird shit with it. Like wrap it around a pencil. Hopefully they do it when no one is around. To be honest they probably won’t.

Maybe you’ll luck out and miss a couple of these, but chances are you’ll experience every one of them, multiple times, for years and years to come. Just know your kid is normal – even if he is a filthy little boy. 

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