Peri-menopausal Fun

perimenopausal

The first time it happened, I assumed I was an idiot for not seeing it coming. Besides, I was at home and it was no big deal.

The second time, however, it was a big deal.

There I was, walking from my office to the front offices to drop a paper off and chat with the gals. I was maybe five steps from their doorway when it happened.

Whoosh!

I felt the gates open and the sheer force of my uterine lining escaping. I’m not talking about when you sneeze and you feel a tiny little spurt of pee. No, no, no, I’m telling you that I felt my lady parts sort of contract and relax real quick and then the faucet turned on.

What the fucking hell?

I stopped dead in my tracks, clenching my delicate parts as well as my thighs and contemplated my options. I was probably 15 steps from the bathroom and yet…what good would that do me since I WASN’T FUCKING PREPARED for a flood.

The office door was open, mind you, and the lead secretary cocked her head and half hollered “You okay there, Jill?”

I blinked at her. “Uh nope. Something just…” I gestured to the area I was clenching. “I’m going to need,” I looked around to verify the hallway was clear, “a feminine product. And maybe to go to Walmart. Or somebody to go to Walmart for me. Not sure yet.” And I just stood there still trying to absorb (haha) what had just happened.

She let out a loud chortle and made her way to the doorway.“Now honey, you just go to the bathroom right there. I’ll see who’s in their offices and if anyone has anything. I’ve been done with that nonsense for a while. How old are you?”

“Forty one.”

She chuckled again. “Yeah, that’s about right. This happens. Premenopausal.”

WHAT THE EFFING EFF DO YOU MEAN, “THIS HAPPENS?”

So after I determined that I could indeed make my own way to Walmart for replaceables and industrial feminine products, I did and then, back in my office (cleaned up and prepped for future floods) pulled up the Google.

And stared at the screen. What to type in?

Can your entire uterus, without warning, just flood out in one fell swoop?

Actually, I don’t remember what I typed in but I did land on an obscure page on “peri-menopause” to see that yes, this sort of thing really does happen. Some woman wrote about being in a meeting with another woman and that woman suddenly lit out of there with zero explanation. Came back and told her the floodgates had opened and there had been no time to act. The writer was kind of disbelieving of this woman’s explanation. Another site defined the difference between “peri” and “pre” menopause and listed “extreme sudden onset of your period.” And yet…

No one warned me! What the fuck, fellow Uterusites?

And as I dug deeper into the dark, obscure world of peri-menopause, I discovered that while this is supposedly (according to maybe 3 sites) quite normal, NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THIS.

So I’m here, fellow XX Chromosomes, to share with you a little piece of advice as you make your way into blurry world of peri-menopause (which apparently is followed by pre-menopause, and then of course, menopause, and I hear there’s a post-menopause…let me say it again…WHAT THE EFFING EFF?).

The advice?

Short of wearing The Maxi Pad year round, you might as well just accept that it could happen to you and there’s no warning, no delicate pang of a uterine cramp to say “tee-hee, I’m going to let loose tomorrow!” No slight backache the night before. No sharp mood swing or sudden need for chocolate.

Nope. One day, you’ll just be wandering around, blissfully enjoying life, and then WHOOSH.

Billy Mays should have used this for his effing OxyClean infomercials.

(Incredible Artwork provided by the very talented Jessi Olarsch. For commissions please inquire at  jessiolarsch@gmail.com  and for prints please visit www.society6.com/jessioart )

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