“Revenge Is Mine!” Said the Mother of a Suburban Teenager

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There is one individual that can make me the happiest person on the planet only to turn me into a screaming, haggish, banshee within five seconds.

That person is my sixteen-year-old daughter.

Take last weekend for example.

We were going shopping to find the perfect dress for Princess I’m Not in the Mood to Talk About It.

Have you tried looking on Vogue’s website? Or you could google Prom Dresses Spring 2017 while we’re on the way…that would be a good place to start!”

She glared at me as if I was high, and then took a picture of herself smiling brightly for SnapChat.

OMG Mom, NO-AH. Why do you have to be so extra? Gah, I just need to relax. I’m so tired…” 

She took another picture of herself, this time smiling even bigger than before.

I wanted to pull the car over and leave her at mile marker 24-without her phone. I wanted to SCREAM at her about being ungrateful-How she doesn’t know what tired is and, you know all of the usual Mom rantings that teenagers tune out.

Instead, I silently vowed to take revenge.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SCREAM

That’s right.

Instead of howling at my daughter, I chose instead to write a sweet little revenge list of ways to get her back. And I’m sharing it with you, dear reader. Today, I write for all of the frustrated Moms of teenage girls.

This one is for all of the banshees.

-Secretly put an “I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop” bumper sticker on her car

-Take her favorite lipstick and eyeliner and apply daily. When she asks about it,  pretend you don’t know what she’s talking about

-Open a SnapChat account, add all of her friends, and use it. Be sure to use that Dog Filter

-The next time she’s rattling off stuff she needs you to do, interrupt the conversation to take a selfie

-Start playing Walk Like An Egyptian on your smartphone every time you make an appearance at her school and do the dance

-Get creative and make an arrangement out of the rotten fruit and food you have found in her room over the past week. Feature it on your Facebook/Instagram/SnapChat accounts. Give it a Hashtag #CLEANUP #EmbarrassmentIsTheNewNag

-Make Teen Slang part of your daily vocabulary! Be sure to use it around her friends (See Below)

-Change your Instagram Bio to “Twirl on My Haters.”

-Use Flashback Fridays as a platform to tell awkward stories from her childhood (I’ll never forget how much gas she always had…it was as if she was living on a strict diet of beans!)

-Try to make “Fetch” happen

-Use the word “crunk” whenever she plays her music. No matter the genre. Trust me on this one

-Take every piece of her dirty clothing that didn’t make it to the laundry basket and donate it to Goodwill

-Ask detailed questions about music and pop culture i.e.; Don’t you agree that the flute lick in Mask Off is evidence that playing an instrument is important?”  or “What’s happening with Kanye West? I think he may be in trouble. Did you know his mom was a college professor? I believe he misses her…”

-Take all of the toilet paper from their bathroom & replace it with the candy wrappers she left in the den

-Take pictures of her bathroom & post on your Instagram #YOUREGROSS

-Ask a group of her friends What the kids are “up to” these days. Tell them you want to stay “woke.”

Since I’m extra, I would be remiss if I left you without a small glossary of teen slang. I’m also including examples of how to use them.

See, I am extra!

Boots– Ok, so some guy uses this in all of his viral videos so now it’s a thing. Super boots. (See what I just did there?) You can do it too. Add it onto any sentence to add emphasis. I have no doubt this will frustrate the crap out of her.

Example: After school ask if she’s sleepy boots or hungry boots. Perhaps a bit angry boots?

Hundo P– Short for 100% certainty…I’m Hundo P your kid will cringe when you use this term.

Example: I’m Hundo P you’re not leaving until your room is clean.

Extra-Over the top

Example: Anytime she asks for something more than she has, just tell her she’s a little “extra.”

Stan– A Stan is a hardcore fan or stalker. You can stan someone by liking all of their Instagram posts in thirty minutes.

Example: (Phone rings) Ugh, Your Dad is totally stanning me right now.

Sus–  This one’s just an abbreviation of suspect. As in, shady. Like when someone gives you a recipe but omits a key ingredient…that’s sus.

Example: Those kids that hang out at the movie theater are a little sus, don’t cha think?

Snatched- The new “on fleek.” It means something looks good.

Example: When shopping, point out the ugliest pair of crocs and yell “Oh, YAS, these crocs are snatched.”

Lit- If something is “lit” then it’s cool, with an edge.

Example: Walk into any teen hangout and proclaim the space to be lit. They will never go back.

Turnt–  Refers to the state of someone’s being as well as the state of an affair. If a person is “turnt” then they are most likely intoxicated, however, an event can be “turnt” due to the excitement of the crowd.

Example: Hey kids, once Dad gets the bonfire going this campout is gonna get turnt!

Thirsty– Meaning desperate.

Example: Honey, I love you, but texting me 500 times in an hour asking me for stuff makes you kinda thirsty, right?

Squad– Your team, your friendships, your family

Example: Post a picture of your family to Instagram with #squad

Woke– Being Aware.

Example: Consider yourself woke.