Sexting 101

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Service providers – such as doctors and hair stylists – are always helping out friends for free. “Would you take a look at this mole on my back?” “Could you cut my hair in your kitchen?”

Similarly, as a writer, I oftentimes happily craft resumes or LinkedIn profiles for friends, in addition to the occasional letter of compliant or recommendation. But suddenly, this professional courtesy has taken an interesting turn.

Recently, a girlfriend invited me over for coffee. “I’m so glad you’re here!” she exclaims as she tosses her cell phone at me before I even step into her foyer. “Quick! Think of something to write to him. He thinks I’m upstairs naked in the shower.” (Why she would have a cell phone in the shower is beyond me, but I’ve been handed worse copy to edit.)

And there you have it.   Much like the doctor who endured at least a decade of education and training so she can discuss gastrointestinal problems at cocktail parties, I can forego my decades of marketing and writing experience so that I can anonymously tantalize my friends’ lovers in 140 characters or less.

“That’s great!” my Pollyanna friend/sext editor encourages me. “But I’ve got to tell you…in our texting fantasies, we’ve already done it on a plane, a train, a rooftop and a beach.” Are people’s imaginations truly that stunted?

Obviously, she needs a course in Sexting 101 – STAT!

Further research reveals that she thinks being too descriptive will leave a poor impression. Darlin’, if you can’t electronically discuss penises and vaginas on a private FaceBook thread, you probably shouldn’t let him put his actual penis in your actual vagina.

But I’m a writer, not a sex therapist, so I provide the next best thing: a word bank.   Her eyes widen as she reads the plethora of descriptors that eclipse over-used adjectives like “wet” and “hard.”

Next, I instruct her:

  1. Pick an adjective from word bank
  2. Pick a prehensile biological feature or battery-operated substitute
  3. “in my”
  4. Pick another adjective from word bank
  5. Pick your favorite orifice of the day

Boom. Instant sext message.

Of course, like any quality mating ritual or expository essay, the best sexting thread will have an introduction that piques the reader’s interest, a body that accurately informs and creatively describes, and a conclusion that leaves your audience fully satisfied.

So, take your lover on a sexy literary journey that will have him typing with just one hand in no time.

And if writer’s block strikes, let me know. I’ve got a word bank you can borrow.

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