SHOVELLING SH*T UPHILL

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Picture this.

A scene that is unfolding across households all across the world and very possibly in yours.

Frazzled Mummy has decided that a bit of dry shampoo and deodorant will suffice until tonight as the clock steadily ticks onwards.

Breakfast was a disaster as can be seen by the mess sprawled across the bench. Weet-bix remains will be cemented in the bowls by tonight, but there is no time to waste on tidying up.

Despite abundant energy at 6am this morning, the two kids have now slumped in apparent ‘exhaustion’ and simply cannot possibly be moved.

Happy ‘house leaving’ games.

May the odds be ever in your favour….

I am Mummy; hear me roar…..

WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 5 MINUTES!

(or 5 minutes ago to be precise, but push on).

Television off, please…OFF. Don’t flick through channels…OFF!

Well if I asked you to turn the TV off, now is clearly NOT the time to switch on the iPad.

Teeth.

Teeth. Time to clean your teeth, kids.

Hang on. Just sucking the toothpaste off does NOT count as a clean. Please sweetheart. Stop painting the walls with your toothbrush. Really? REALLY?

Wrong foot, but great trying little man. OK…well…if it doesn’t go on that foot, which foot do you think it might go on? No. Not Teddy’s. No. That’s the one. Nice job.

Darling. WHERE ARE YOU?

No you cannot change into your Elsa dress now. No. Leave those warm clothes on.

WE ARE ABOUT TO HEAD OUT THE DOOR!

OK, Elsa it is. Just come here now, please. Tiara off. Please sweetheart. I’m just brushing your hair. Oh Come on. It does NOT hurt. Now shoes; where are your shoes? (SHIT!! Is that the time???) OK. Gumboots it is.

Toilet kids. No. NOT negotiable.

Good job.

A poo? Now? (ARE YOU FARKIN’ SERIOUS???) Sure, sweetheart. Take your time.

Great. Wash your hands, please. TURN THAT TAP OFF! Did you flush the toilet? No. No you didn’t. Lovely.

Has anybody seen my bag? Not that little handbag; the big calico one with Thomas the Tank on it…the one with the wee emergency kit inside? Anyone? But why is it in your toy box? No sweetheart. I need my purse. It is NOT pirate treasure. I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO FIND THE ‘X’ THAT MARKS THE SPOT. Rightio sweety…lead the way. Wow; you’ve hidden it very well…ARE WE CLOSE??? (**$#@!!!!)

Terrific. Well spotted. Let’s move out, troops.

Hungry? You would not be hungry if you had eaten the toast I made you. Well, I am sorry to hear that, but you liked jam yesterday.

Please don’t scream, sweetheart. The neighbours will wonder what I am doing to you. (No. I can’t; I just can’t give in to this…) FINE. Here’s a biccy then. ONE. Oh alright, you can have one, too.

Ummm…why have you got Teddy? But, you’re a big boy and he needs to stay home to look after all the other teddies. It’s what? WHAT? What is this Teddy Bear’s Picnic? I didn’t get the message? oh…hang on…here’s the email…

SHIT!! I mean…shivers…I mean, oh never mind. A shared morning tea it says. OH WON’T THAT BE NICE. Here’s a bag of Tiny Teddies. Be sure to share them around.

BOOTS BACK ON!!!

Yes dear; I have my keys…it was only the once I forgot them. Thank you.

DON’T. SLAM. THE. – door. Ooops. Sorry neighbours.

And we’re off.

But you just went to the toilet!!

Didn’t you?

It is only 8.30am.

Shattered.

Did I mention the walk to creche is up a really, steep hill?

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