So How Much Sex Are Your Friends Having?

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Remember the days of a passionate embrace turned fun romp with your significant other? Or how about the days of turning in early for an energetic love session; or two or three? Let’s harken back for a moment to when work and paying the bills were your only responsibilities and sex was on the agenda 2 maybe even 4 times a week. Ah, the good ol’ days…they certainly are fun to reminisce about.

Fast forward to now. You have kids-  one, two, or may be even three at this stage of your life. Insert trying to balance a two-earner household, homework, logistics for activities/sports, weekends filled with birthday parties, catching up on cleaning, never-ending trips to the grocery store, laundry that just won’t die, and keeping those precious cherubs from death too. The list could go on and on. You crawl into bed after these long days and start to think of everything on the agenda that you need to tackle tomorrow and…Sex creeps into your brain JUST as you’re drifting off. Oh crap. Yep. I need to do that too. I mean, I want to do that too. OK, just wake up and do it now. Cross it off the list. But that sleep is calling your name more seductively than you can say “come hither my dear.” And sleep wins. At least this time.

I started thinking about the conversations about sex I’ve had with friends: old, young, single, married, childless, and married couples with kids. My favorite is when my non-married, childless friends that are in relationships who seem to be averaging sex pretty regularly say with cheerful conviction that their “sex life won’t be ruined or affected by child rearing! Those poor husbands! I won’t be like that!” They say that now…but if they only knew how that kiss of sleep feels after a long, exhausting day…mmm, yummy…I could get into my PJ’s and curl up just thinking about it.

My husband, who I adore and happen to still be very attracted to, complains often that he would love to do it more and that we “never” do it. For my husband, “never” equates to once a week. Sometimes we even average twice a week (which in my mind is a freaking miracle due to how tired I always feel.) Back in the day, prior to kids, we would average about 3 nights a week, so again, I’m thinking – hey dude -slow it down. You pretty much married a rockstar here and you should appreciate that we do it THIS much! Sometimes things do get in the way, and maybe it ends up being once every two weeks, but we really never go longer than that.

And so I had a bone to pick with him. To prove that we must be faring pretty damn well, a friend suggested surveying married couples with kids. My initial thought had been to ask 10 or so friends, but a formal survey sounded brilliant! Said sex survey was distributed and taken by married women (and one or two men) that have children to see just where on the sex spectrum the average frequency truly is. The survey was posted to large groups of women within online parenting groups and was completely anonymous.

To my utter surprise, the findings dispelled my feeling that my husband was getting it more than most married men with kids! It turns out married couples with kids are getting busy more than you would think, even though they are feeling quite exhausted! Folks are making it happen according to these stats.  Much to my chagrin,  this proved that I lose my rock star status in this game of you-get-it-way-more-than-most between my spouse and I.

Let’s break down the numbers, shall we?

Out of 167 people who took the survey, 4% are doing it 3-4 times a week, 44% are having sex 1-2 times a week, 33% 1-2 times a month, 15% are getting busy quarterly, and 4% haven’t done it in over a year.

Approximately 38% of these couples have been married between 5-10 years, 28% 10-15 years, 20% less than 5 years, and 14% have been married 15 years are more.

More than half of the people surveyed have two children, 28% have one child, 10% have three, and 3% have four or more.

52% had sex 1-2 times a week prior to having kids! What’s so interesting is that this number is so close to the number of couples that are still rallying at this rate even with little humans to care for! Go People Go! 38% did it 3-4 times a week prior to having the cherubs. 9% did it 1-2 times a month while still child-free.

What is the Numero Uno deterrent of sex for couples with kiddos? Being so tired of balancing life/kids/stress/work. 64% gave this reason. The #2 reason for not being able to have sex more was time; either finding the time or having no time, and 18% of people gave this answer. The #3 hinderance to making love was that the chemistry had disintegrated, 12% said this. The fourth reason, that 5% answered with, was that their partner wasn’t interested in doing it. The final 2% answered “other” with a variety of different reasons including that it was all of the above, hormonal, medicine-related, or that they felt their spouse was being unfaithful.

R. Kelly said it right: Age ain’t nothin’ but a number. 5% of people polled were 25-30, 21% were 30-35, 38% were 35-40 years old, 25% were 40-45, 7% were 45-50, and 4% were 50 and over.

After looking at the numbers, it would seem most of my peers are in the same boat as me: tired, but making it happen as often as they can. That is some impressive effort right there people.

I guess that love-making montage scene from the movie Amelie is pretty accurate after all. Even for us married folk with kids.

So who will you be channeling tonight? Sleeping Beauty or Joan Jett?

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