Southern Charm: Dating Below the Bible Belt

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I need to sloooooooww my roll.

Just slow my roll! It’s a saying. Do you know it? My kids use it, I think. They also called me, “savage” the other day. Not so sure that’s a good thing. But whatever. And how about “lit”, is that a positive adjective? Let me use it in a sentence for ya, “Mom, my friends at school think you’re totally LIT.” Hmm. Again, I question its exact connotation. But I got this “slowing your roll” phrase down! It means to ease your shit up, slow your ass down…stop moving into everything so dang fast. And stop falling in love so dang quickly!

Ya, just gotta slow my damn roll, Cowgirl.

I guess it’s a southern thang? Everything is slower down here in the South. But I’m a Jewish chick from Detroit, I rush everything…I’m just not used to these Southern Gentlemen!

Let me explain:

Hot, Hot, Hot.  Ok, big whoop. I can handle hotness. I know how to pick ’em. I mean don’t we all know who we find attractive, these days? I mean, being single at forty-four I am not about to waste my time with an ugly mother fucker. I only have 14 nights alone per month…I’m not going to spend em with a man who doesn’t do it for me. But can you say Matthew McConaughey? It’s that Southern-fucking accent! It’s EXTRA SUPER-DUPER smokin’ hot. Oh, with a splash of sexy. Damn him. Damn him all to hell.

Call Me. This one, is smooth as silk. He CALLED instead of texted for the first date. OMG Do you remember how to use the phone? Well, he does. In fact, when mine rang and his number came up…I stared at it in awe. Like, holy shit! My phone is ringing. Crap! What should I do, like answer it? Ummm, Hello? This one is good. He TALKED to me for 15 minutes, and then he said, “So, would you like to go out on Friday night?” Bitch, please. I’d like to go out with you every night for the rest of my life.

Picture This. Are you sitting down? I GOT NO DICK PIC. Enough said.

You Don’t Bring Me Flowers. When was the last time a guy showed up on a first date with roses? Swoon. Sigh. I swear, I think I can count on one hand how many times a man has brought me flowers on a first date. Did I mention, no dick pic? Swoon, again.

Mo, Money. This man paid for drinks. This man paid for dinner. This man paid for my parking, and my gas…and my dog’s dinner. This man is a fucking MENSCH. Ok, he didn’t pay for my gas. Or my dog’s dinner, Jen-isms. I don’t even have a dog. But he paid for dinner, and drinks. And no, he isn’t loaded. And yes, I offered over and over. And he didn’t say, “let’s split it.” He is a gentleman, and raised right. Southern and sweet as molasses.

Get up, Stand Up. I stood up from the bar, he stood up from his seat. I got up to go to the ladies’ room, he stood up. When I went to sit down at dinner, he pulled out my chair. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD?? Where have all the good men gone? Jesus you Yankee-boys didn’t your mammas teach you jack shit? My kids are getting a boot camp called Treat a Lady Right! I’m embarrassed for these younger guys dating right now. Entitled little shits! Get up off your butts, and pull out your woman’s seat!

Suck My Kiss. Did you know it’s okay NOT to kiss on the first date? Or the second. Or third. Wow. And you don’t have to even bring sex into the mix at all! Maybe y’all just date! GASP! And guess what? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you! Or that he’s not interested. Or that he’s a pussy, or gay. Or that he thinks you have bad breath, or you’re a slut. It’s just sweet. And chivalrous. And maybe, just maybe he’s being a gentleman. Who woulda thunk?

You Can’t Hurry Love. It’s ok to take things slowly. Act like adults, and date. Get to know one another, and see how things progress. Oh, my…Goddess. Did I just write that? Ha! My psychotherapy must really be working. But you can’t rush this shit. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And you can’t put all your eggs in one basket either! I mean, keep dating other people…just be honest with each other.

So, slowing my roll I am. And it’s so not me! I’m quick, and fast…and impulsive! I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I trust everyone until I end up writing blogs about psychopaths and stalkers. But not anymore, my friends! I’ve been in the South now for 8 years, and it’s time to take to this southern-style of livin’. Slow, and chill. Brrrrr!

So, in my best “southern’ drawl” I’d like to say,

This lil cowgirl is gonna mosey off into the sunset….I have a date with the LADIES tonight! 😉

(And cue some kinda hickish-cow-pokey music. ha)

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