Sugar Free: Truths about Divorce

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I just read the sweetest little article about divorce!

It was really so sweet.

It talked about how your children will “be okay” and your friends, and family will “be supportive” and how although it will take time, “It will all be good in the long run.”

Sigh.

It was so sweet my fucking teeth hurt.

So, I had to write a “not-so-sweet” rebuttal. I just had to do it. This is an article that’s a tad more forthcoming, and honest. So here I go, sharing a few tidbits of truth that I really wish someone had offered up when I chose to get a divorce. Remember: in the end, it is a choice. Maybe after reading this, one or two of you will think twice before running to the attorney’s office…and make a therapy appointment instead.

Ready? Well, Willy Wonka has officially left the building…

  1. No one really gets it. Period. Not your Mom, or your Dad. Not your married friends…or your single ones. Sorry and nope. Although they say they do, they just fucking don’t. You are wasting your breath, time and energy trying to explain it to them. They will say stupid shit, thinking it’s the right thing to offer up to poor you. They will all “mean well” but really, how can they possibly know? Divorce is like having cancer. Until you’ve been through it, you can’t possibly have a clue how bad it really is. And no, I’m not saying it’s anywhere close to as horrible as a terminal illness. I’m just saying, people, don’t understand the pain until they feel it for themselves.
  2. Need to up your Sex Game. You heard me. Sex just ain’t the same as when you were married y’all. No more playing “dead starfish” or Miss Mary Missionary! This is go time! It’s time to do things you never imagined doing before, and I don’t mean picking a thong over the cotton briefs! These divorced men want you bending over backward to please them, (pun totally intended) and you best be figuring out how to use that mouth again. After so many years of “birthday blowjobs”, these guys think it’s flippin’ awesome when your TMJ starts acting up. Gold star, baby!
  3. Not only do your friendships change, but so do your kids. This one hurt… And it came as a big shock too. I expected my relationships to change. When you’re married, you have “couple friends” that do “coupley things” and I totally expected not to be invited to those events anymore….It’s the nature of the beast. After all, I’m single, I don’t blame them.  I never thought my kids’ relationships would be negatively affected. Why? Because they are not part of a nuclear, traditional family any longer. Ouch. Let that one sink in for a bit. Bar-b-ques, beach trips, pool days, and baseball games, stuff where all the moms go, or all the dads (of the married couples) go.  What do you do then? What do you say when all of the families are having a party, and your kid isn’t invited because we are not a “family”. Isn’t he still one of the kids in the friend group? Didn’t we used to be one of the families?  Ugh. Rips my heart out. Try explaining that to a thirteen-year-old. “Well, Zac…you’re not at the party because we got a divorce and totally fucked up your life. It’s just families, baby. And we are no longer one of them.”
  4. You have to learn a new vocabulary. Just when I thought I knew every word in the English language, I went and got divorced. Oh, and started dating again. Didn’t you know there’s a New Webster’s Dictionary? The Dating Edition? With words like ghostingcushioning, breadcrumbing and catfishing, all new in my lexicon. Shit. And one of my favorites, a THOT, “That HO over there”! Nice, huh? Can you use that in a sentence please, Jennifer? Ok, “I walked into the bar and saw the THOT my Ex is dating!”  I can’t even take it. And why do we need these new words at all do you ask? Well, it seems as though as we continue to fail and fuck up at dating…we need to keep adding them to explain why. Fabulous. Like “cushioning” for example. It’s a newer term where a partner in a monogamous relationship still flirts with other people…so if their main relationship fails, there’s a backup plan. Why do we need a new word for that? I just call that CHEATING. I know, so 2009.

Sprinkle a divorce with sugar or cover it in chocolate if you please. Any way you slice it, it still fucking sucks. True, marriage is no piece of cake, but it pales in comparison to the heartache of divorce. My advice is to try as hard as you can to be SWEET as sugar to the one you’ve got.  😉

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