The C Word

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Emotional conflict is a terrible feeling.   Two voices battling – feeling neither here nor there you know you have to choose.  Of course you choose the expected one, but inside you’re terrified.

I attended a woman’s support group.  It was an eye-opener to say the least.   If you think your problems are bad then wait until you hear someone else’s.  My heart broke into pieces listening her speak.  She was tormented, hurt, angry …. CONFLICTED.   Back to that terrible feeling.  The one I knew very well.   Having just found out her husband of 30-something years had cheated on her, she still wasn’t sure if she wanted to work it out.  He LOVES ANOTHER WOMAN!  What’s there to think about?  Leave the mother fucker.  CONFLICTED.

I wanted to stroke her hair and wipe away the tears and tell her, “you will be fine.”  But I felt that would be a lie.  I wanted to make her feel better – even if it meant telling a lie.   After all, I don’t know if I’m fine.  I can’t use how I feel and who I am as an example.   There are days when I cry the entire way to work because a familiar song was playing.  Lying in bed at night, alone … I cry.  I look at my kids and cry.  Then there are days when I can pat myself on the back and say,”look how far you’ve come – you CAN do this.”

Conflicted.

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