Things I Think About When My Husband is Snoring

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That wonderful feeling of heading to bed after a long day.   My head finally hitting my cold, comfy pillow.  Yummy. I’m beat! Cannot wait for those sweet dreams –  but then IT happens.  IT = The snore.

My husband snores.   I know it’s not exactly a third world problem and not an uncommon issue in marriage and partnerships.   But so very annoying!   Ironically, I don’t necessarily remember how much it drives me crazy until we are both in bed trying to go to sleep and it starts up again.  Then I want to scream.  Loudly – and most definitely louder than the snores!

Of course, I will try to fall asleep first, but that’s a crap shoot. So if I don’t fall asleep first and the snoring commences, there are numerous thoughts hanging around in my head.  Almost in stages – similar to the stages of the grieving process.  I guess in a way, I am grieving. Grieving for my sleep.

Annoyance  (Disbelief/Denial)

  • Shut. Up.
  • Nooooo!!
  • Here we go again!  I thought maybe he wouldn’t do this tonight.
  • I can’t believe I didn’t fall asleep first. Again.
  • He did not snore like this when he was 18.   Cause if he did, I would not be in this situation right now.
  • Let’s play guess the animal here.  Horse. Ooh. Kitty cat. Eek. Angry kitty cat.

Anger:

  • Shut!  Up!
  • Snoring should be illegal. There needs to be a law.
  • What is that?  Morse Code?!
  • Is there a such thing as “snore rage”? Cause I have it.
  • Flick. A little flick in the head won’t hurt.
  • Holding his nose would be rude, right?
  • I asked you to SHUT UP!

What could I do about this? (Bargaining)

  • I can go sleep on the couch in the living room.   Wait, no, the last time I did that my daughter got sick in the middle of the night.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But, no, I can’t. Bad karma.
  • Do they have a vaccine for this?
  • Windex?  Just like the dad uses in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It’s supposed to cure everything, no?
  • The “pillow over the head” thing is so cliche. What else can I do?
  • Ooh. He rolled over.  He’s quiet!  Please stay quiet.  Sleep, Melissa, sleep….crap, too late.

Some understanding (Guilt)

  • Maybe he should see a doctor.  Hope nothing is wrong.
  • It could be sleep apnea.  That’s not good.
  • Should I kiss him?  Will that help?
  • He stopped snoring. Crap. Is he dead?  Man, I guess I should check if he’s breathing now.

Depression:

  • Stoppppp!!
  • I can’t believe this is what my life has become.
  • I think I am going to cry.
  • Ugh, now I have to pee.
  • I hate you.  A lot.
  • Eww, that’s really an unattractive sound. I hope I don’t do that.
  • Holy smokes, he is going to wake the neighbors.  I hope our windows are shut.  We are going to have to move.

Acceptance and Hope:

  • I can’t believe that I still love you.
  • But how is this noise the father of my beautiful babies?
  • At least when he travels, I don’t have to worry about the snoring.
  • And at least he is here and not traveling this week.
  • He is here.  In bed with me.

I do lots of little motions like nudging him, kicking the bed, and doing a little body jump.  I’ve even texted him in the middle of the night asking him to stop.   He woke up, looked at the phone and read the text – and did not chuckle at my humor.

The best is if he does wake up and notices that I’m still awake. He gives me the “Honey, why are you still awake?  Are you not tired?” punchline.

Of course eventually I nod off. And luckily, I’m a pretty sound sleeper – once I’m asleep, I’m asleep.   Any snoring that occurs AFTER I’m asleep is perfectly fine with me. So if he could JUST wait a bit and let me start snoozing first, I would love him SO much more.

Once I heard someone say that if you can live with your partner’s worse trait/habit, then you can make it work. Truth is, he’s a pretty good guy, so if this “the worst,” I can accept that. Hopefully he feels the same about me – with bags under my beautiful eyes and all.

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