“Were Those Vaginal Babies?”

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“Were those vaginal babies?”

No joke.  This was an actual question regarding my tiny newborn twins.

We were spending a warm summery day at the local zoo.  The twins could not have been more than two months old and my older girls were 4 and 6 at the time.  Four tiny ladies and their tiny mama just strolling around enjoying ourselves.  Needless to say at this point we were more than used to attention and questions from strangers.  In fact our Blonde-tourage remains a suburban Circus Freak Show to this day.  So this day at the zoo seemed no different than all of our daily outings.  People stopped us every twenty feet to inquire about the kids, especially the twinnies.

People.Love.Twins.

My little ladies are truly adorbs and yes I am biased.  Four tiny blondes with hazel eyes and personality for days.  The kids didn’t mind all of the extra attention from inquiring minds and really neither did I.  I was, and still am, pretty damn proud of my four little “princesses.”  Well-meaning strangers would ask all sorts of “normal” run of the mill questions regarding the twins such as: are they identical, are all of these kids yours, do twins run in your family, how much did they weigh at birth, and what are their names?  I should have just hung information flyers off of the edge of the stroller, but it truly didn’t bother me to indulge inquiring minds…until this particular day.

“Are those babies vaginal babies?”

W.T.F.

“I’m sorry?”  I stuttered.  I mean, I must have misheard this kind, inquiring grandmother who stopped me to discuss my vaginal escapades and capabilities right outside the of Reptile House.

“You know, were they born vaginally?”

First, the answer is a no.  A big hell no.  If we must go there I’ll have you know that all four of my children were lovingly ripped from my uterus via c-section and “my lady” remains as intact as she was when I was 20 years old.  This question was even too much for me though.  I pictured this lady envisioning the twins slithering out of my vagina.

If her questions were this intrusive, were her thoughts intrusive as well?

how dare you

It got me thinking about those past few whirlwind months of adding two tiny members to our family.  I had been so relieved to have healthy babies and so proud to prance them around the community that perhaps I had not really given any thought to the questions that were being asked about them.  The vagina inquiry got me thinking back though.

I could remember one lady asking my if I did fertility treatments…actually come to think of it, I got this a lot.  Wait.  That would imply that pregnancy had been a struggle for me, and you can’t ask that shit!  I would imagine that if it had been a great trial and source of pain I wouldn’t want strangers prying into that corner of my life.  That is really no different than saying, “So you can’t get pregnant and you needed medical intervention huh?”

Stop with that crap and THINK before you SPEAK.  Stick to the basic questions, well-meaning strangers!

I also seem to recall quite a few people asking if I was breast-feeding the babies.  Breast-feeding is a touchy subject to begin with.  People typically feel really strongly about whether you do this or not.  My boobs, my babies, my business.  It is kind of weird for random people to ask about this topic and THEN give their opinions regarding YOUR boobie juice.

Another inquiry I often came across was, “Are you gonna try for a boy?”  So, I have FOUR kids under SEVEN at this point in my life.  My uterus is barely intact, my breasts are leaking and you are asking me if I am ready to jump back in the sexual saddle to do this again?  By asking me this question you have placed yourself in immediate danger of being throat-chopped.

You know what?  Let’s keep it simple.  Just tell me I have cute kids and walk on.  This is what I expect of strangers.  We are not friends…so we can not talk about my vagina nor breast milk in front of the reptile house at the local zoo.  You are going to have to be ok with that.  I swear I am not a bitch…mmmmmmm maybe I do fall into that category..but I really do not think I am asking too much in not having my private parts up for discussion, with STRANGERS.  In truth my cells divided and I had two babies instead of one.  I am not a circus freak and neither are they.

You know, come to think of it perhaps those information handouts aren’t such a bad idea…