What to Know Before You Weed-Whack Your Jungle Scape

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Is it me? Or am I the only one who correlates the growth of men’s facial hair with the increasing baldness of women’s nether regions?

In the ‘70s it seems that men’s beards and moustaches, as well as all sorts of gnarly body hair on women, were standard. Now days, a more bifurcated trend ensues. And men’s facial hair is winning, as millions of women subject themselves to having their pubic hair yanked out by the roots.

Unfortunately, it’s a necessary evil in today’s dating scene as a friend of mine quickly discovered. On her first post-divorce, “waist-down” adventure, her not-so-sensitive date — upon seeing her au-natural look — exclaimed, “What is this? The ‘80s?!?”

Likewise, decades-long marriages and demanding children’s schedules cloak the need to stay abreast of sexy trends. So if your upkeep has been relegated to a snap, pre-pool decision between “dry shave” or “sarong,” I will save you the extensive Google search (and subsequent browser history deletion) by explaining my observations on the subject.

But please, ladies, before you take a weed whacker to your jungle scape, be forewarned of some clear wax-on/wax-off pitfalls.

First, realize that there are certain things better left to the professionals. God forbid you accidently seal off your own hoo-ha. There’s really no return from that kind of experience. Similarly, a self-wax entails uncomfortable inversion techniques that the most masterful of contortionists cannot endure.   Between the pain of the yanks and the kinks in your neck, you may not complete the job…resulting in a humiliating Chernobyl-like motif.

Next, be confident with your level of hairlessness. Although some of my friends have experimented with cookie cutter designs, I suggest more traditional options such as “the upside down Christmas tree” or “the landing strip.” My own decreasing melanin levels – while easily rectified by hair dye on my head – are the determining factor for a full-on Brazilian being my wax of preference.  Trust me, few things trigger a mid-life crisis faster than grey pubes.

And lastly, just when you think your wax is complete, be prepared to get flipped over and de-fuzzed in the weirdest of places. No way to break that news gently, my friends. Just keep your eyes shut, know that it’ll be over soon, and then pretend like that never EVER happened.

I realize that some of you may be thinking, “I’m not going to make myself look like a pre-pubescent girl to satisfy a man’s perversions.”

To that, I say, I would prefer to make out with a stubble-free man than with a scratchy-faced lumber jack. Maybe I’m alone in that assessment. But as a result, I’m perfectly comfortable extending a parallel and reciprocal courtesy to my (clean shaven) lover.

At the end of the day, only you and your lover will ever know the topiary you’ve chosen for your va-jay-jay. So why not have fun with it and ride the trend for a while?

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