White Jean Nirvana

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I know it’s winter and there’s no snow on the ground…so how come my Facebook feed is full of white? Whilst spending time refreshing my news feed over the holiday break (what else is one supposed to do while sitting on a beach?) I was in awe of how many of my “friends” and their “friends” were wearing white jeans in their vacation pics. Oh you know what I am talking about…the sexy, tight, trendy…I am hot to trot…white jeans. It was all over the place and you know exactly what’s coming next from me…I mean all I obsess about write about is my love hate relationship with cloth, after all.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE white jeans. They say “I’m dressed up, sophisticated and having a great time.” But I HATE HATE HATE the way they don’t love me. I am convinced that finding the RIGHT pair of white jeans is a test of will, stamina, smarts and some other kind of know how that completely eludes me…It makes me feel as if I’m right back in 7th grade begging for someone to give me the answers to a test. Cut, coloration, fit, flair, length…HTF do you do this?

It’s not like I haven’t attempted to find THE pair of white jeans. Apparently this comes in more than one version. My closet has more of them than I can admit to (a lot). There’s the casual ones I throw on to walk around town, the dressy ones for the Saturday night dinner date, the beachy versions and my white leggings…these my husband hates! I can’t seem to get it right. I think my issue stems from wide thighs…essentially not made for white pants. Here’s why: White jeans are made for the extremely narrow…did you really think I had a scientific answer to this? Nope. It’s not rocket science.  These jeans need to HUG – not shrug – your thighs. Too much cloth will not translate to a sleek and sexy, finished look. Thus begins the taxing journey of said Blogger to nail the perfect vacation look via white jeans. All I can say is that I do understand that white jeans=dark top. This I’ve got down.

So let’s get down to the nitty gritty shall we? White jeans are unforgiving. You need to be aware of your B.A.T. situation…Belly, Ass, Thighs…Are you with me? If your belly produces any sort of burrito bulge you might want to rethink the weight of the pant. Same holds true for any cellulite around the thighs and ass. Anything too light weight will be counterproductive to the desired end product…your sexiness. Yup, I have learned that a heavy weight denim is best for me. But beware…this fabric does not breathe in hot weather. There should be a warning on the label. Steam building inside your pants doesn’t equate to a prettier you, just a hotter one.

It doesn’t stop there. There are other struggles. A friend of mine shared with me the lengths she goes to just make the jeans she buys look good on her.  She has the front pockets cut out and sewn shut before she wears them because, “I can’t stand when pockets can be seen through the pants.” This is one pretty shrewd chick. She goes on to tell me that when she finds the right white jeans, she buys 4 of them. Now here’s a lesson for all of us…my friend has each pant tailored to allow for different fashion moments. One pair gets cropped, one is hemmed for flats and one is hemmed for wedges and I guess the 4th lays in wait for whichever trend du jour she’s aiming for.

Look if I never achieve white jeans nirvana I will survive. The next time I go on vacation I’ll find some other way to show that I can be just as sophisticated and out for a good time.  Can you say Tequila?

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