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13 Modern Mythological Deities for Parents

I grew up loving Greek mythology. Powerful divinities, torrid affairs, epic adventures, scandals and sacrifices… It was like a soap opera that I was allowed to watch. Now that I’m an adult – and a mom – I find myself wishing I had a different pantheon of deities to call upon besides the old familiar names like Ares, God of War (Ew. No thank you.) and Aphrodite, Goddess of Love (OK, fine, but just not right now) and Dionysus, God of Wine (Mmm… Wine).

Here are some divine beings I wouldn’t mind having access to:

1. Snackrodite – Goddess of Snacks
My junior high Literature teacher used to say the gods were having “milk and cookies” as a kid-friendly euphemism for all those times the gods and heroes and mortals were sexing each other up. But having a goddess who would bestow upon me ACTUAL milk and cookies sounds, well… Heavenly.

2. Nappolonious – God of Naps
I don’t know about you, but I would gladly make some sacrificial offerings for a few more hours of glorious, glorious nap time.

3. Slumberia – Goddess of Sleeping In on Weekends
Prayers to this deity would keep those little ones in bed until at least 8am on the weekends. 9am if your sacrificial offerings are really good. 10am if you honor her by building a pillow fort temple in your living room.

4. Justeatia – Goddess of Just Eat Your Damn Food
Call on this goddess when your kids refuse to eat the delicious, healthy meal you lovingly prepared. Or the frozen chicken nuggets you threw on a plate. Whatever. Just eat it.

5. and 6. The Twins: Flushonio – God of Toilet Flushing, and Plungous – Goddess of Toilet Plunging
I would plead to this divine duo to a.) remind my kids to flush, and b.) ensure their deposit makes its way safely out of the toilet and through the plumbing with no additional (non-divine) intervention.

7. Electronia – Goddess of Electronics
Oh, great and powerful Electronia, please keep my children’s electronic devices charged and virus-free so they can play on their tablets long enough for me to do something productive, like laundry or dishes or binge-watching The Mindy Project.

8. Wrapitupous – God of Never-Ending Stories
You know how your kid has to tell you a story about Minecraft or recess or what their best friend’s older brother’s dog did and it lasts forever and you wonder if the story will be over before they graduate from high school? We need this god in our corner to encourage them to wrap it up so we can all get on with our lives.

9. Cussia – Goddess of Swear Words
Let’s face it. Sometimes our filters get turned off and we let one fly. If we had this deity in our arsenal we could use her to shield those little ears and make sure we don’t get any phone calls from teachers about the “questionable language” our precious children are repeating at school.

10. Autonious – God of Quiet Car Rides
Sometimes it’s “Are we there yet?” over and over. Sometimes it’s fighting in the backseat. And sometimes your little angels are singing Let It Go and making fart noises so loudly you miss your exit. Come on, Autonious. Help me out here.

11. Heftys – God of Carrying Sleeping Children
Dear Heftys, please grant me the strength to carry my tiny, sleeping child, who seems to weigh approximately 400 pounds at this moment, up a flight of stairs and into her bedroom without injury to myself, the walls, or said child.

12. Lullabis – Goddess of the Lullaby
I have a horrible singing voice and I admit it. I don’t need to the next American Idol, I just need to be able to get through a couple verses of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ without my child cringing or asking me to stop.

13. Dionysus – Greek God of Wine
Yes, he’s an old familiar name. But… Wine. Because some things never change.


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