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8 Totally Reasonable Times I Wish My Child Had A Sleep Button

It’s typical, isn’t it? You watch your newborn for any signs of movement, willing them to just do something already, and then all of a sudden they’re rolling and crawling and nothing is safe and you wish they would just hold still for one damn second.

Never fear, parents! I have come up with a completely plausible solution to this problem, which only requires a minor adjustment to human biology: A Sleep Button! Like the snooze button on your alarm clock, this would offer a few minutes of peace and quiet from your child, exactly when you need it most.

Here are eight totally reasonable times that I would use it every day:

  1. Nap time. You’ve been rubbing your eyes and pulling at your hair for the last half hour. I know you’re tired. Hell, even the next door neighbour’s cat can see that you’re tired. So why won’t you just admit it and go to sleep?!
  2. When I need the toilet. If I leave you alone you’ll either cry or find some kind of unimaginable mischief to get up to. If I bring you with me, your stares will put me off, or you’ll lick the toilet, or try to climb into my pulled-down underwear. Can’t you just snooze for a couple of minutes?
  3. Diaper changes. Hold still for a second. No, don’t eat the wipes. Would you stop rolling over? Seriously, how did you get your foot in your poop?! I’m done.
  4. While I’m eating lunch. No, I don’t want you to snatch the food from my plate, especially if you’re just going to throw it on the floor. Why don’t you have a nap instead?
  5. While getting her dressed. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to pull an arm through a sleeve if that arm wasn’t moving? Or put two socks on if there wasn’t a little hand pulling them off as you go? Is this what anyone else’s dreams are made of?
  6. On public transport. I know it’s boring in your pram and you want to move, but if you cry everyone will glare at me and someone is bound to make a sarcastic comment. Please, please, please don’t start.
  7. While tidying up. What exactly is the point in me putting things away if you’re going to follow me and take them back out again? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather, you know, nap in the corner for a second or something?
  8. When she’s supposed to be eating. Okay, maybe an energy dimmer switch would be more appropriate here, but wouldn’t it be amazing to feed your baby without them flinging food on the walls and attempting to escape their highchair? Yeah, sounds like heaven to me…

…now who do I have to talk to to get this set up?

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