Always Being On the Outside SUCKS

I​ ​attended​ ​my​ ​weekly​ ​yoga​ ​class​ ​and​ ​at​ ​the​ ​end​ ​of​ ​the​ ​hour,​ ​wandered​ ​out​ ​of​ ​the​ ​studio​ ​in​ ​my zen​ ​bliss.​ ​​ ​As​ ​I​ ​looked​ ​around,​ ​my​ ​bliss​ ​slowly​ ​faded​ ​into​ ​annoyance.​ ​​ ​I​ ​noticed​ ​that​ ​the​ ​rest​ ​of the​ ​class​ ​was​ ​chatting​ ​away​ ​with​ ​the​ ​instructor.​ ​​ ​One​ ​thanked​ ​her​ ​for​ ​her​ ​email.​ ​​ ​The​ ​yoga instructor​ ​chatted​ ​away​ ​with​ ​the​ ​other,​ ​asking​ ​if​ ​her​ ​mother​ ​was​ ​feeling​ ​better.​ ​​ ​​ ​The​ ​instructor barely​ ​knows​ ​my​ ​name.​ ​​ ​It’s​ ​no​ ​different​ ​with​ ​the​ ​​other​ ​members​ ​of​ ​the​ ​class.​ ​​ ​I​ ​think​ ​I’ve​ ​said 10​ ​words​ ​to​ ​them​ ​in​ ​the​ ​two​ ​months​ ​I’ve​ ​been​ ​attending​ ​.​ ​​ ​Keep​ ​in​ ​mind,​ ​there​ ​are​ ​three​ ​of​ ​us training​ ​any​ ​given​ ​week.​ ​​ ​Not​ ​exactly​ ​a​ ​huge​ ​class​ ​where​ ​I​ ​could​ ​get​ ​lost​ ​in​ ​the​ ​hustle​ ​and​ ​bustle of​ ​a​ ​large​ ​class​ ​full​ ​of​ ​people​ ​coming​ ​and​ ​going. 

WAH WAH WAH ​​

​Maybe​ ​I​ ​have​ ​the​ ​problem​ ​and​ ​I’m​ ​not​ ​friendly,​ ​you’re​ ​thinking.​ ​​ ​Maybe I’ve​ ​got​ ​a​ ​seriously​ ​intimidating resting​ ​bitch​ ​face.​ ​​ ​I’m​ ​pretty​ ​badass,​ ​thank​ ​you​ ​very​ ​much.​ ​​ ​I love​ ​to​ ​laugh​ ​and​ ​have​ ​kids​ ​and​ ​a​ ​husband​ that​ ​I​ ​could​ ​talk​ ​about​ ​all​ ​night​ ​long.​ ​​ ​Oh​ ​the​ ​stories I could tell!  I​ ​love​ ​to​ ​have​ ​fun​ ​and​ ​chat​ ​over​ ​dinners​ ​or drinks.​ ​​ ​I’m​ ​fiercely​ ​loyal​ ​and​ ​will​ ​do​ ​anything​ ​for​ ​the world​ ​for​ ​you.​ ​​ ​I​ ​sound​ ​pretty​ ​cool,​ ​right? 

Granted,​ ​I’m​ ​more​ ​of​ ​an​ ​introvert​ ​than​ ​an​ ​extrovert,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​can​ ​party​ ​harder​ ​than​ ​most​ ​people​ ​if given​ ​the​ ​chance​ ​to​ ​join​ ​in.​ ​​ ​​ ​I​ ​hear​ ​you​ ​out​ ​there, ”just​​ ​insert​ ​yourself​ ​into​ ​the​ ​group!”​​ ​At my​ ​age,​ ​that​ ​is​ ​so much​ ​easier​ ​said​ ​than​ ​done.​ ​​ ​The​ ​moms​ ​at​ ​school​ ​have​ ​created​ ​their cliques,​ ​​​people​ ​at​ ​work​ ​have​ ​created​ ​their​ ​own​ ​little​ ​gangs​ ​(and​ ​frankly​ ​most​ ​of​ ​those​ ​people​ ​I could​ ​truly​ ​live​ ​without.) ​​ ​Friends​ ​that​ ​you​ ​do​ ​manage​ ​to​ ​find​ ​a​ ​way​ ​to​ ​hang​ ​out​ ​with​ ​often already​ ​have​ ​their​ ​BFF​ ​and​ ​“girl​ ​squad.”​ ​​ ​You​ ​become​ ​the​ ​“occasional”​ ​friend.​ ​​ ​I​ ​don’t​ ​share​ ​their history​ ​or​ ​any​ ​of​ ​the​ ​dozens​ ​of​ ​drunken​ ​moments​ ​they​ ​like​ ​to​ ​reminisce​ ​about.​ ​​ ​And​ ​as​ ​a​ ​side note,​ ​FaceBook​ ​is​ ​the​ ​evilest​ ​most​ ​heinous​ ​invention​ ​man​ ​has​ ​ever​ ​created.​ ​​ ​It’s​ ​so​ ​much​ ​fun​ ​to now​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​SEE​ ​all​ ​of​ ​the​ ​stuff​ ​you’re​ ​missing​ ​in​ ​​REAL​ ​TIME.​ ​​ ​Yay!!!!​ ​​ ​​There​ ​they​ ​all​ ​are!  Out​ ​and​ ​about,​ ​hanging​ ​out​ ​and​ ​sharing​ ​laughs.​ ​​ ​Creating​ ​more​ ​drunken​ ​memories.​ ​​ ​

​

WAH​ ​WAH WAH 

This​ ​is​ ​nothing​ ​new.​ ​​ ​I’ve​ ​always​ ​been​ ​on​ ​the​ ​outside.​ ​​ ​In​ ​school,​ ​I​ ​tended​ ​to​ ​have​ ​a​ ​small​ ​group of​ ​friends​ ​but​ ​even​ ​then,​ ​sometimes​ ​I​ ​would​ ​be​ ​the​ ​one​ ​that​ ​didn’t​ ​get​ ​the​ ​call​ ​to​ ​meet​ ​up​ ​at​ ​the mall.​ ​​ ​I​ ​wasn’t​ ​invited​ ​to​ ​the​ ​party.​ ​​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​get​ ​a​ ​chance​ ​to​ ​create​ ​a​ ​history​ ​of​ ​drunken​ ​moments to​ ​reminisce​ ​about. 

I​ ​can​ ​try​ ​to​ ​blame​ ​my​ ​parents​ ​for​ ​the​ ​issues​ ​in​ ​school​ ​-​ ​They​ ​were​ ​strict​ ​and​ ​not​ ​very​ ​agreeable to​ ​letting​ ​me​ ​do​ ​many​ ​of​ ​the​ ​activities​ ​the​ ​other​ ​kids​ ​did.​ ​​ ​Maybe​ ​that’s​ ​part​ ​of​ ​it.​ ​​ ​Maybe​ ​not.  I’ve​ ​been​ ​just​ ​as​ ​left​ ​out​ ​as​ ​an​ ​adult​ ​when​ ​I’ve​ ​had​ ​the​ ​freedom​ ​to​ ​do​ ​whatever​ ​I​ ​want.​ ​​ ​​ ​Damn! Can’t​ ​put​ ​this​ ​dysfunction​ ​on​ ​my​ ​parents​ ​or​ ​miserable​ ​childhood.  

Even​ ​though​ ​I’ve​ ​now​ ​diagnosed​ ​this​ ​“being​ ​on​ ​the​ ​outside”​ ​as​ ​my​ ​own​ ​damn​ ​fault,​ ​my​ ​own mental​ ​fucked-up-ness,​ ​and perhaps my​ ​own​ ​insecurity,​ ​I’d​ ​still​ ​appreciate​ ​an​ ​outstretched​ ​hand​ ​inviting me​ ​to​ ​join​ ​in​ ​once​ ​in​ ​awhile.​ ​​ ​So​ ​if​ ​you​ ​happen​ ​to​ ​see​ ​someone​ ​that​ ​looks​ ​kind​ ​of​ ​like​ ​they​ ​feel like​ ​they​ ​are​ ​on​ ​the​ ​outside,​ ​resting​ ​bitch​ ​face​ ​or​ ​not,​ ​​please walk​ ​on​ ​over​ ​and​ ​pull​ ​them​ ​in.