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Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Your Kids *But Were Afraid To Ask

Finally, the most common parenting questions (according to me), answered (by me). You’re welcome!

Q: How can I tell if my 3 year old has enough ketchup on his plate?
A: He doesn’t.

Q: How do I know if it’s time to cut my toddler’s fingernails?

A: Look in the mirror. Is there blood dripping down your cheek?

Q: My 4 year old caught me blending a green vegetable into his meatballs. Now what?
A: Run. Run for your life. Take a meatball with you. You’ll need the energy.

Q: How can I tell if I’m embarrassing my kids?
Are they over 5? You are.
Are they under 5? OK, yeah. You still are.

Q: My child refuses to clean up his toys. What can I do?
A: Sing his favorite song. Is he cleaning yet? Keep singing. Louder. More off key. Is he cleaning? Don’t stop until he starts cleaning. Ok, now get the lyrics wrong. More wrong.

Q: What will my child want for dinner tonight?
A: What did you make? Ok, wow, definitely not that. Anything but that. You know he hates that. How could you make that? Seriously. Do you even love him anymore?

Q: I know I can’t save everything. Which toys should I keep as sentimental memories for my kids?
A: That depends. Which ones have you already donated to Goodwill? Really? Those ones? Wow, that’s pretty cruel. You knew they loved those ones more than any other toys ever.

Q: My child has brought home a fundraiser form. Now what.
A: OMG seriously? Just write the school a check and buy the kid a pencil topper. LOL, I’m obviously kidding. I hope your coworkers like wrapping paper!

Q: How do I wear my baby in one of those fancy wraps?
A: Follow these simple steps
1. Read the directions from the package.
2. OK. You’re doing it wrong. Check YouTube.
3. No..it’s all tangled…
4. Forget it, he’s like 12 now.

Q: My child got one of those kiddie pop up tents as a gift. How do I get it back into the box?
A: Easy!
1. Place foot on tent
2. Twist
3. Fold
4. Light tent on fire
5. Pour ashes into box

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