How to KEEP your Man
We yap, whine…and crab.
Yet, we expect our men to just hang around? Omg, ladies! What the hell is wrong with us? Wait, strike that. I need to change my pronoun. What is wrong with you? I am doing just fine over here. I stopped that shit when I realized I lost my flipping marriage acting like a spoiled brat. It just won’t fly for long, my friends. That shit gets old, real quick. Your men might last a good ten years or so, but then…one day, you’ll find out he’s shtupping the yoga instructor at the club. What? Are you surprised? You’re a bitch. You are nasty…and you emasculate him (without even knowing it) every chance you get.
Whether you are married, dating or in a long-term relationship, it’s time to change your tune. Listen, I can help you KEEP YOUR MAN. How do you ask? Well, I learned the hard way; I used to be that “bitch-of-a-wife”. I was! Ok, sure…I’m not taking all the blame for my divorce. But it took a whole lot of work to realize I had a lot more to do with it than I chose to admit. Self-actualization is the key. Own it, and fix it…While you still have a chance.
- Balls Deep. You do everything right! You do it faster, and better. Your way is the only way. Am I right? Wrong. Back away from that guacamole! Let him do it his way. Every time you re-do what he’s already done, it’s like chipping away at a testicle.You might as well just take his balls, and put them in your purse. “Honey, I have your testes, you can have them back next Tuesday.” Jesus, is your relationship really worth repacking that suitcase? It is fine the way he did it! Life will go on if he puts a white towel in with the darks. (Maybe?)
- Open, Shut Them. Let him open your car door. (Or pull out your chair, or pay the bill.) I know, it sounds stupid! But men love to do it. It’s sweet and chivalrous. I remember when I started dating my last boyfriend, I actually yelled at him for opening the damn door, “OMG, I can do it! What? You don’t think I can get my own door?” Ya, I thought I was being all “feminist and strong”. My divorce was just final, and I wanted to prove I could do it “all on my own”. Even if it meant opening my own car door. Who knew I just sounded like a douche. So now, my new boyfriend opens the door every single time I get in. And I let him. Oh, and I say, “Thank you, Baby.”
- Cry for Help. Ok, Y’all are gonna hate me for this one. Ready? Ask for help. I know, it’s insane! Why in the hell would you ever ask a man to help you do anything? Well, if you can believe this shit…Men are born to help us. They LOVE to help us. They LIVE for it. So, just ask them. I never asked, and you know what happened? I was always angry that he didn’t help me. I would huff and puff around the house wondering why he didn’t do shit. Omg, why isn’t’ he doing the laundry? Why didn’t he pick up dinner? Why the fuck can’t he just do the dishes, doesn’t he see them in the sink? Ummm, why didn’t I just ASK? Dummy, Jen. Ya, lesson learned. I’m divorced, ladies. Open your mouths, and ask. Oh, and then say thank you.
- Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Read my lips: Who cares?! Who cares if the shower door isn’t closed all the way? Who cares if the towels aren’t folded in an exact square? Who cares if he didn’t wipe off the sink after he shaved? Who cares. Stop your nagging. Life is too short to worry about the mundane bullshit. And listen, if it really bothers you that much, do it your damn self. For real, just do it…and shut it. Then smile.
- Negative Energy. You are nice to the mailman. The checkout lady at Harris Teeter gets to see your pearly whites. You’re a doll to the manicure chick. You are kind as can be to the teacher at school, and you even kibbitz with the doc that does your pap smear. But when you get home to your man…the person you are supposed to love the most, you lose your happy. It’s gone. Poof! You become a total and complete crotch. I get it! I do. My ex used to say, “Everyone in the world gets Happy Jen except for me.” How sad is that? And I never even realized I was doing it. Wasting all my “nice” on people I hardly even knew, when my husband was the one who deserved it the most. Ugh.
- Sex in your City. Have sex, make love…fuck like rabbits. If you want to stay connected it’s the only way. Period. And I won’t listen to any bullshit that says otherwise. Don’t give me your crap that you can go for a month, and you’re good. Or six weeks. Or you have friends that haven’t had sex in a year and they are “just fine”. They are lying. If you’re Sexless in the City, you are NOT fine. Your relationship is not healthy, and you can not be happy in it. Sex pumps pain-killing hormones into your body called endorphins, and it helps you bond by releasing the “love hormone” called oxytocin. And studies now show that having sex helps you live longer. Ladies, fuck your men. If you don’t, I promise he will find someone that will.
So, if you’re saying “Holy shit, this is me.” or “I could be writing this thing.” don’t worry. Just check yourself, and change your behavior. Baby steps. When your man walks through the door tonight, thank him for working so hard all day. Kiss him, say you love…and appreciate him. Ask him to help you with a few things, then snuggle up in bed and watch Orange is the New Black. You can keep your man! Oh, just don’t forget to fuck him before y’all fall asleep. 😉