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I’m Not Contagious: I’m DIVORCED!

Do I smell?

I don’t think I do.

I mean, I wear deodorant.

Fuck, I even spray my vag with that FDS shit. Clearly, I do not stink. It has to be something else…There has to be some other reason no one wants to be near me. I am cute, I know I’m cute. I’m smart…and fun. Shit! I’m like so goddamn fun! And not only am I fun, but FUNNY! And funny is really hard to find these days. I mean with all the political shit, and negativity..and that new dick we have for a Prez. Ugh. And I think I’m a pretty good person, too.

So why in the name of all things southern am I such a social outcast?

I digress…four years ago, I was happily married. Living in a big, beautiful house…in a big, beautiful subdivision. In big, beautiful Charlotte, North Carolina. Yup. It was all so big and fucking beautiful I wanted to vomit. And I was happy. Ish. Happy-ish. And my kids were in a fabulous private school, and we had two furry doggies. We belonged to the shi-shi country club…and I was living the American Dream. Barf. Literally, I was driving a Range Rover, playing tennis…and OMG…getting my nails done every week. And walking around town in my “active wear”….Even when I wasn’t even being one bit active. What the fuck! “Coffee-ing” with my girls, and going to Chef’s Dinners at the club with our hubbies. Who even knew “coffee” could be a fucking verb? I had the perfect life…perfectly-perfect. Puke. 

It was perfect,  I guess…from the outside.

Until the day my glass house started cracking… and we decided to separate. And then divorce. And how my “perfect” life did change! What a total shit show! I realized quickly that not only was I losing my husband, and my children for half of their lives…but I was losing my friends, too. All of a sudden, the ladies I lunched with didn’t have time for me. And my tennis group was “full”. Oh, and my married friend’s husbands? Hell no! They wouldn’t let their wives go near me! I might actually “rub off” on them. After all, divorce is contagious you know? Fuck. I remember, sitting on the floor of my shower sobbing…wondering if I was always going to feel this shitty. Well, it’s been four years, and ya…it still fucking sucks. My married friends still go out with all the married girls, and I’m sitting home binge watching Netflix. Oh, but wait…I’m good for a lunch! But after the sun goes down, forget it! Divorced women, we are dangerous! Haha. It’s like we all turn into sluts at night! 

And girls trips, nah. I’m never invited with the married girls anymore. What do I have to bring to the table? All I have to talk about are the hot dates I go on, and the amazing sex I have. And what bars I frequent…or my horrible relationship with my ex-husband. (Which by the way, happens to be one of the happiest divorces ever. We are best friends; he is my rock). Or…maybe I know too much about their marriages? And maybe I make divorce sound better than being married! Ya think? Maybe, just maybe…the grass looks a little greener over here?

Hell, who knows. And who really cares. I just miss them, my girls. And my old life. Not the country club, and the house. Who needs that material shit? It’s the friends I miss; the women that were such a huge part of my world. They loved me when I was married, what’s changed? But sure, it still hurts even four years later…When I see them all go to concerts, and stuff I used to be invited to. Or birthday parties to the lake houses. When I was part of “that group” and in the all the Facebook shots. It just plain sucks. But I guess it’s part of being divorced, right? Losing the life you used to have, and the relationships you thought were so solid.

But I am NOT contagious!. I’m not. I’m just single again. And it’s hard, and not where I ever thought I’d be. Divorce is not a disease, or something you catch. It was a choice I made, for my family…and I’m happier now than I was in my marriage. So, listen up all y’all! I’m not a fungus! I’m not going to rub off on you, and I’m surely not going to be the reason your wife jumps ship…

If you end up divorced, it’s all on you.

But you can bet your ass, I’ll see ya on Tinder! 😉

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