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In the Days of Being a Mother

Do you ever think that no one would believe the random stuff that’s happened to you in what seems to be an otherwise ordinary day? Or that you can’t even make up some of the unpredictable things that occur in your life as a parent? Sometimes in these moments you’re angry or frustrated and thinking “why me?” and only later do you remember the occurrence as being comical and then file it away in your rolodex of crazy memories. I feel that every parent could make a list of their own embarrassing, funny, shocking, and bewildering moments and keep people entertained by them for centuries to come.

In the days of being a Mother…

  • You get a manicure once in a blue moon and when you do EVERYONE seems to comment. Shoot, does that mean they noticed how unkempt your nails were before? Does this mean you have to keep the manicures up? You pause for a moment and realize there’s no chance you’ll keep it going and decide to accept the compliments… although temporary.
  • You’re in line at a deli for lunch when you suddenly feel a warm gush of liquid spraying from your chest and you look down to realize that your boobs just decided to let down like gallons of breast milk. You’re in luck.  You’re with your co-worker and you ask her how bad it looks and she confirms…it’s BAD. This happens just in time for you to pay at the register. You share an awkward interaction with the clerk and while mortified, grab your lunch and hightail it outta there faster than he can say “Did you want cookies with that?”
  • You and your spouse are looking extra dapper because you both have important stuff going on that day at work. You exit the house wondering where your 2 ½ year old has gone. Oh wait! There he is hiding outside. He’s so adorable when he plays hide-and-seek! You try coaxing him into the car so you can take him to daycare. He grabs the garden hose instead and blasts you and hubby until you’re both looking sexy as hell and ready for the wet T-shirt contest that will definitely not be happening at work today. Mental note: book trip to Vegas to re-live our youth when we get some money saved.
  • The “pumping room” at work is really a storage closet or perhaps a room with a see-through glass window that they’ve slapped a frosted decal over. So you make do by sitting on a step stool hunched over while freezing your butt off and risking being walked in on because dammit this is liquid gold coming out of you and you will do WHATEVER it takes to get every last drop into your baby.
  • You’re at a birthday party and you’re avoiding conversation with anyone and everyone. Some of your good friends are at the party but you are trying desperately not to talk too much. You look fidgety and probably like a drug addict since you are shifting around the party aimlessly and avoiding eye contact. If they only knew it was all because you forgot to brush your teeth and put deodorant on in your haste to get your kids out the door.
  • No time to get a hair appointment. The only availability is two weeks out. Crap! What’s a girl got to do with these grays? You got this. You buy some hair dye. Ooh, red hair dye will make you look so different. Hubby will totally be on board. He’s always saying you should change up your look …you know…to keep things interesting. WHOA! That’s really red. Like Alias red. Like Britney Spears from the Toxic video red. “Mom you look like a superhero! I LOVE your hair color!” At least your kid will appreciate the clown red color for a day or two while your friends look at you side eyed and ask if you “meant” to do that?
  • It’s 7AM.  The neighbor knocks on door to tell you you’ve left your car door and your trunk wide open and the keys are also on the top of the car. You thank them profusely and wonder how your car didn’t get stolen. Score!
  • It’s 2PM on a summer Friday! You can’t wait to pick up your kid and hit the beach. Your spouse texts you to tell you they got out of work early, picked up the kiddo(s) and all you have to do is show up to the beach. You’re feeling all types of zen now! You turn up the radio, roll down the windows, and are just bathing in this greatness that is your life. You enjoy the beach date with the family. Time to return to the car. Uh oh. Your work laptop is gone. In your state of feeling on top of the world you carelessly forgot to lock your car doors. Oh well, today was a good day so I guess it was worth it.  You wake up Monday and remember you are giving your two weeks notice today. Without your work laptop. Good times!
  • You’re running your Saturday errands with your kids in tow. You decide to stop and get some Robek’s. The college kid behind the counter is grinning ear to ear at you. You blush and tell yourself you’ve still got it. You give him a grin right back and head to the car with more bounce in your step. You quick peek in the rearview mirror at yourself. WHAT THE? Your sleek bun is no longer there and each hair appears to be flying away to a far away land. And there, glistening on your neck, is a juicy piece of ham. That’s right…ham. You will never forget to wipe the kids’ dirty hands after a meal again. Nor will you tear off deli meat slices and feed it to your child from the front seat while driving.
  • You decide to go apple picking! The only way up is a hay ride to the top? Yes! This is so fun! Don’t you just love the fall? The crisp air, Halloween around the bend, etc.? Time to get off the tractor and pick some apples. Oh…wait…a poop explosion that goes up your kid’s back, soaks through their shirt and gets all over the front of you didn’t seem to be in the cards. There’s no bathrooms on top of the orchard you say? No problem…you have a diaper bag! It’s all good. Yes…that’s the culprit over there running as fast as he can naked and covered in feces…haha….er…um…isn’t he cute?  Oh what’s that you say? He can’t get poop on the apples. Sorry about that. When’s the next hay ride down to the parking lot again? You chase down and somehow wrangle your feces covered child and sprint to the tractor as it approaches.
  • Your in-laws are visiting. While catching up on some deep adult conversation you decide you are the master at multi-tasking. You notice your brother-in-law is on his last drop of beer and decide you will 1.) listen intently to the conversation and contribute to it 2.) walk to the kitchen while never breaking eye-contact to get him another beer 3.) Hold the baby and balance the bottle gracefully while 4.) walking quickly and with purpose.  WHACK! You look down in utter horror and embarrassment as you realize you have just smacked your baby’s head into the wall while walking through the doorway to the kitchen. Take note – your pro multi-tasking days are just plain over.
  • It’s your friend’s birthday and it is a celebration in the city. You really like this friend and have not seen her and her husband much since you’ve had kids. This night is going to be SO MUCH FUN! You book a sitter until midnight, take the train, Uber from Grand Central to restaurant,  and order a couple of drinks while you wait to surprise her. She gets stuck at work and arrives an hour later and is elated and very surprised! The only problem? You don’t have time to order dinner because the Uber back to Grand Central will take 20 minutes, and the train ride will be an hour and a half home which will get you home at exactly midnight. You have a 10 minute convo hug her goodbye and scurry out to make the trek back home. You cringe as you do the math and realize you’ve just spent $280 for a 10 minute convo with your friend. You and your husband eat cereal for dinner at 12:15 a.m.  You remind each other to only go out with friends when family is in from out of town so that babysitting is free.
  • Your husband just put fancy new door knobs on all your doors. You love them and admire them often. You also get your jeans belt loop caught on them often. While your husband is at work, your pants get stuck on the God foresaken doorknob while you are holding your sleeping baby. 20 minutes later you are debating screaming for help but realize the only person that may hear you is your creepy neighbor that smokes weed constantly, throws up over his porch and out his windows periodically (which are 5 feet from your living room windows), has cell phone conversations at 2 a.m. right outside your open bedroom window in the summer, can’t keep a job, and never mows his lawn. You decide your other kid helping you is the better solution. But you remember he is still sleeping in the back seat of the car. You ninja your way out of the jeans and you feel as though you’ve just avoided death. You tell your husband how you’ve just avoided death by said doorknob and he asks, “Is the door okay? You didn’t break it right?”
  • You are horsing around with your kids and one of them punches you so hard in the face you see stars. He is horrified and realizes he has really hurt you. You have a concussion that lasts for days and you are sitting in darkness for a few days. All you can think about for some reason is your kid. You are really aware of how upset he is. He comes home from school and brings you water. He keeps staring at you like he thinks you are dying. Repeatedly, he gives you hugs and asks if you are alright. “Yes,” you tell him. “I’m alright, but ONLY if you are.”

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