Is it OK to sort of hate your husband?
My husband is the love of my life and my best friend. No one on this earth gets me like he does. No one can make me laugh as often, or as hard, as he does. He supports my ambitions 1000%, regardless of what they are. I swear, I could tell this man, “Baby, I don’t think I’ll be truly happy until I’ve lived on the moon.” And he’d pack up our things and Google search air shuttle prices. God couldn’t have sent me a better father to our two sons.
Ladies, please back me up here…don’t hang me out to dry. Sometimes as girlfriends and wives we can be just a tad psycho. Then there are a select few of us, a very special breed, that makes it impossible for our husbands to tell when they should blame PMS. I am that special breed. In other words, my husband has put up with a lot of my shit. Some of it even I was surprised to see him take because if I were him I would have ran away screaming. Having said that, there are days when I think I might go to jail for murdering him in a blind rage. Because this same man gets under my skin and pushes my buttons like an Xbox 1 remote during the final seconds of Madden 2016. He has the ball, it’s the last play in the 4th and he 3rd & goal, going for the game-winning TD in the Super Bowl. That’s how he pushes my buttons. Super freaking hard.
You could argue it’s mostly little things. Like he never puts the cap on the toothpaste. We’ve probably had 700 conversations about how it gives me anxiety when he does that. Or how when he takes off his clothes after work, instead of hanging them up in the closet or putting them in the hamper, he balls them up and hides them on a rack in the closet (in the SAME EXACT SPOT where it is supposed to hang). Sometimes it’s that he’s not sensitive enough, or I feel like he doesn’t listen to me. Or that he always parks the car crooked unless I’m in the car to make sure he’s parallel to the lines.
Sometimes it’s big things. Like when he goes out at night drinking and comes home wanting to fight about everything, including how he’s not drunk. Nope, slurring his words is just something that happens at night sometimes. He’s totally not drunk y’all.
Will your marriage fail if you kinda hate your husband? YES. YES. IT WILL. It may not fail fast, but eventually it will fail. So what he leaves the cap off the toothpaste! How many seconds of your day does it take to smile, shake your head and put the cap back on? Big deal he doesn’t hang up his clothes after a long, hard day at work where his main goal is to provide for you and for his children. Ok sure, it would be nice to have a husband who is a real man’s man but in touch with his feelings…and listens to you just like your closest girlfriends (or like your mom, or your sister, or your dad – whoever that is for you) and it’d be wonderful if you didn’t need to be involved every time he pulled into a parking space. And – ok, it’s not fun to be sober Sally at home with the kids while hubby is out getting wasted. But I guarantee you instead of getting mad about it, have a glass of wine while he’s gone once the kids are in bed. Put your feet up and read a book. Or watch the latest season of the Kardashians that you never get to see in real time. Or even better, start recording his conversations while he’s drunk and play it back for him the next day when he’s sober. He might stop drinking altogether. (Side note: my situation is mostly annoying but never dangerous. If you relate to this in anyway and it’s not funny because your situation is more serious, then please be smart; ignore all of my crazy, yet comical, suggestions and seek professional help in the form of alcohol abuse counseling. My husband doesn’t need that because every time I think he’s drunk, he assures me he’s not.)
Honestly, if you look at all you love about your husband and they are big, powerful, beautifully blaring reasons…then what you’re really mad at is that this amazing person with all of these wonderful qualities isn’t perfect. Guess what? Neither are you. It took me a while to understand this, but just because he’s not crying in the Mexican hotel room scene of Sex and the City for the 112th time like you are — doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings. There are emotions behind every man who likes to pretend to be even-keeled and laid back. Their feelings can be hurt just like ours can…they just aren’t as vocal about it as we are.
These little bitchfests we throw, whether they admit it or not, are pushing our husbands away. When we act like brats, and when we’re moody, and when we withhold affection and intimacy, when we nag…all of it pushes the men that we love away.
Until one day, there’s no man left at all. Just a shell of the man who once was, who has been broken down over a stretch of time.
My husband left this morning for a trip out of town. For the next 4 hours, he’ll be on a plane and he’ll be gone for five days. It’s not even 8 am yet, and I already miss him. The kids have been dropped off at school, I’m going back home to get my work day started…and all I want to do is call him. To tell him how much I missed waking up next to him. To share how great the kids were behaved this morning. To let him know how proud I am of myself for stopping off at Starbucks and having the restraint to not order anything for myself nor to have a single sip or bite of anyone else’s. To ‘fess up that Jace didn’t finish his and I couldn’t let the croissant and kids temperature caramel apple spice go to waste.
You see, love is spending every single day with your favorite person in the whole world. Love isn’t about perfection – finding it, achieving it or even celebrating it. Because it doesn’t exist. Love is being able to love the whole person, flaws and all. Love is taking the good with the bad. Love is never taking an argument into the next day. Love is remembering that all of the good outweighs the bad.
But, if that’s not true for you… If in your marriage the bad outweighs the good, then yes. It’s perfectly ok to sort of hate your husband.