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It Is Time

I’m a writer. I write novels, I have my own blog, I write for Suburban Misfit Moms, and I really enjoy having the opportunity to express myself and share my quirky world view with my readers.

And usually, it’s fairly easy. I’m intelligent and sometimes thoughtful, brash and opinionated, witty and fanciful. (Yeah, I know, modest too). With such an amalgam of contradictory personality traits, it makes for some fun essays.

Lately, however, I’ve been struggling to find my voice. It isn’t that I don’t have an opinion on the world around me, or interesting things going on in my life, but more that I’m not sure how to express all that I’m experiencing right now. What I do know, is my time is here. My time for so many things.

I’m in my forties, now. When I turned forty, I said something to my best friend about being middle-aged. She scoffed and told me I was too young to be middle-aged. “What’s forty times two?” I asked her. “Eighty…. Oh, well, so that’s sort of…” she answered.  “Yeah,” I replied, “forty sounds like the middle to me.” I’m not upset about it, but it does highlight a need in me to make the second half of my life amazing.

It is time for me to live.

My children are no longer children. At twenty and twenty-two, they each have at least one foot firmly planted in adulthood. My mothering is no longer needed like it once was. They are amazing young men with big personalities, and it feels good to know that I had a hand in helping them become who they are going to become.

It is time for me to let go.

My marriage is ending. I’m lucky because we are parting as friends, but it is a bittersweet demise, and while I am ready to move on, I know I will miss aspects of the relationship. My husband is no longer my husband.

It is time for me to move on.

I moved into my own apartment not too long ago. I considered getting a place with my cousin who was looking to move as well, but then I realized I had never really lived alone in my entire life. I knew it was something I needed to experience it for at least a little while. I go home to a quiet, empty apartment now, and it is both glorious and sweetly lonely.

It is time for me to experience myself.

Just a few days ago, as I was driving, a young man plowed through a red light and t-boned my car. I came through just fine, but my car had to be towed and may not survive. I had to deal with all the incidentals myself, and it was a new experience. I’ve always had someone around to help me or advise me. It really highlighted my naivety, and made me even more determined to learn how to be a fully functioning adult.

It is time for me to stand on my own two feet.

These are just a few examples of the changes happening in my life. Reflecting on it, I realize it’s easy to find oneself a little speechless when confronted with a shifting world.

That doesn’t mean I don’t know who I am. I’m still a brash, opinionated writer.

I’m still me, no matter how old I am. When I close my eyes, I still see the free-spirited, wild twenty-something I once was, and as it turns out, I’m able to appreciate her more now than I did back then. Not in spite of my age, but because of it.

I’m still a mom. No matter how old my boys are, I will still be the woman who loved them first, and the most. They know that I would do almost anything for them, because I am Mommy and I am a super-SHERO.

I still had some amazing, wonderful years with a good man who is now a good friend.

I’m still learning how to be a grownup, and I’m realizing that everyone plays at it. No one, not one of us knows what we’re doing in the beginning. It is only through our new experiences that we learn and grow, and it truly is age that brings us wisdom.

My grandmother was one of my favorite people in the world, but she wasn’t always a forward thinker. I remember her telling me once, “Rosie, if you don’t learn how to keep house better, you’ll never keep a man.”

I held back a laugh and looked her square in the eye and said, “Gramma, if, when I die, what people remember about me was that I was a good housekeeper, I will have failed as a human being.”

Her eyes widened. “I never thought about it like that. I supposed you’re right.”

I keep a better house these days, but I still believe in what I told her.

Someday, if it hasn’t happened already, it will be your time as well. The only real advice I can give is to embrace it. Live in it and open yourself up to life and all the experiences you can fit into your days.

Because someday, you’re going to be looking back, and it will be the memories you made that you reflect on. It will be the living you did that matters most.

So, live it up, friends. Live hard and enjoy every second.

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