Mommy Drinking Games: Mall Edition
I don’t know about you, but the winter blues always hit me pretty hard. With those gray, sunless days, stir crazy kids, dangerous road conditions, and did I mention it’s cold as-f out there? But it isn’t all bad. I mean, for starters, the mall is way less crowded. And those pants I so lovingly wrapped for myself and put under the tree for Christmas really didn’t fit right, so I finally have time to get out there and return them. And hey, maybe I’ll even buy myself something nice with the money. And oh yeah, doesn’t the mall have a play area? Wait…why didn’t I think of this before? Yes! It’s the perfect plan for a winter day. And the bonus? It’s FREE! What could possibly go wrong?
“HEY KIDS, TURN OFF CURIOUS GEORGE! MOMMY HAS A SURPRISE! WE’RE GOING OUT! I SAID TURN IT OFF! NO, NOT AFTER THIS EPISO- FINE ONE MORE EPISODE…NO YOU CAN’T BRING YOUR NEW 36 CAR PARKING GARAGE….HEY, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!”
Oh, and where’s that husband of mine? If I’m gonna pull off a good old fashioned family day at the mall, I’m gonna need a drink. Maybe 2. Maybe 5. My point is, I’m gonna need a designated driver.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I wrote another drinking game, so here it is. I give to you, my dear reader(s?), “Mommy Drinking Games: The Mall Edition”
So hit print, pack up your minivan, grab a cooler and join me!
1. Drink if you’re in the parking lot and your kids are already fighting over who gets to push the automatic door button to let you in with the stroller.
2. Drink again if the automatic door button is broken.
3. Drink again if it’s not that the door is broken, it’s that the mall isn’t open yet. (Wait. Isn’t it like 3 PM? What’s going on? OK…maybe it’s 6 AM but it just feels like it’s 3 because we were up at FOUR FUCKING THIRTY this morning.)
4. Drink if you finally make it into the mall and realize you have to go back out because you forgot the returns in the car.
5. Drink every time you walk by a bathroom with no line and everyone swears they don’t have to go. Drink twice if someone pees their pants within 15 minutes of said swearing.
6. Drink if you can’t find the receipt for the item you want to return. Drink again for every incorrect receipt you pull out of your purse while you’re looking for the right one. Drink 3 times if you leave the store with the pants because WTF, I PAID $36.00 FOR THESE PANTS, TAKE YOUR $4.75 STORE CREDIT AND SHOVE IT. I MEAN….SANTA PAID $36. I MEAN…THE ELVES PUT AT LEAST $36 OF LABOR INTO MAKING…WHATEVER, I’M KEEPING THE DAMN PANTS.
7. Drink if you are now dreaming up elaborate plans for a cool dress you can make out of the pants material once you get a sewing machine.
8. Drink again if you’re posting on FB asking for sewing machine recs.
9. Drink if you’re texting your sister about how it’s time to finally start that clothing line we were talking about 8 years ago.
10. Drink again if your sister texts you back with “Neither of us can sew…r u drunk?” Drink again as you vow to cut your sister out of your will if you ever get around to writing it.
11. Drink if you look up from your phone and only see 2 of your kids. OK…stop drinking…OK, drink if all your kids are with you after all, you’re just so sleep deprived you forgot how to count for a minute there.
12. Drink if one of your kids disappears into a clothing rack just as you’re breathing a sigh of relief.
13. Drink if you need to call for assistance because one of your kids has his head stuck in a lingerie rack.
14. If you make it to the play area without anyone walking face first into a kiosk, drink (That includes you, btw, you lush)
15. Hand out a complimentary drink to every parent at the play area.
16. If a kid pukes in the play area, give their parents an extra drink. Finish your drink if it’s your kid.
17. Drink if your kids are crying about ice cream before the food court has even opened.
18. If you decide to splurge on one of those delicious mocha-frappa-coffee-whipped cream drinks because fuck it, it’s winter and bathing suit season is nowhere in sight, drink.
19. Drink continuously every time you walk by a bikini display after purchasing your coffee calorie bonanza.
20. Take a celebratory drink if you made a healthy choice and bought yourself a salad for lunch.
21. Drink again to wash down the fries your kids didn’t finish because it’s not like you could just let them go to waste and your husband has a swimsuit to fit into this summer, too, dammit.
22. If you make it past the quarter rides without spending any money, drink.
23. Drink if you manage to successfully convince your kids that all the rides are broken.
24. Drink again if another parent comes along and blows up your spot by pumping every quarter left in the universe into each perfectly operating ride one by one.
25. Give that parent a drink when they offer to let your crying kid share a ride with their kid.
26. When you get back to the parking lot, drink for every tiny hat, mitten or scarf that sadly did not make it’s way back to the minivan, and will now live out the rest of its existence behind a toilet in the family bathroom.
27. Drink if your kid is crying because the toilet mittens (the ones he refused to wear because he HATES MITTENS) were his FAVORITE MITTENS EVER AND IF WE DON’T GO BACK AND FIND THEM, HE SWEARS HE WILL NEVER HUG YOU AGAIN BECAUSE HIS HANDS ARE GOING TO FREEZE AND HIS ARMS WILL FALL OFF.
28. Drink if you are able to convince your husband to swing by Walmart to get something for dinner, but you’re secretly planning to buy that sewing machine.
29. Drink again if you’re walking out of Walmart with the sewing machine and realize you left the pants in the play area.
30. Drink again as you reserve your spot on Etsy.
31. Finish your drink as you submit your $36 order to rebuy the inspirational pants on Amazon because whatever, you’re gonna be rich once you learn how to sew.