My Kids Are On An Express Train and I’m Holding Onto The Caboose
It is an intense feeling I had no idea existed. Or why. Buried deep and unearthed only when I realized how much I missed. I was watching but I wasn’t really listening or savoring. Then poof! My almost 8-year-olds hand in mine took on a different strength. Almost that of a little man. The ability to watch my kids grow. Had I missed it? Was I too busy, too late? Had my focus been disrupted by the distractions of doing what everyone else was BUSY doing in society rather that what was right for my family? If you had asked me then, I was always marching to the beat of my own drum but it wasn’t quite loud enough.
The brief smiles, the realization of figuring out how a toy works, embracing their siblings in a quick hug turned wrestling match. Whatever it is was, it doesn’t matter. It just matters that I am present to witness it.
I’m still learning what the hell that means for me. I’ve learned my intuition of being a full-time SAHM was spot on and with that, I released the guilt of spending years developing my career and skills and not being home with them as babies. For me, that was ok. I’ve learned these years are the best years and the ones to follow will be as well. And isn’t that the point? Regret is time wasted.
This month marks 2 years since I walked away from my full-time corporate career. Two years since I left that parking garage and thought what did I just do? Walked away from what I worked towards for 17 years because I realized there was something larger than me out there, I just needed a few years to work on finding it. Courage comes in the face of fear. I know that – I wasn’t raised by parents that let us take the easy route(thanks, Mom and Dad). Giving in to what scares you the most can statistically have the best outcome. Think of every step, even minor, as a building block. I can actually recount every decision I made as an adult and highlight which ones were one-hit wonders and the others, the first in a series of arms reaching down, helping me upwards.
I recall the most amazing feeling came over me as I drove over those speed bumps, waited for the security arm to lift, and set out. Be present. Make sure I am on the right path and not climbing a ladder that someone set out for me or what society deemed was “right” for me. After all, I am in an individual and just because I can do it, doesn’t mean I should. And, because we are lucky enough to live in a country that doesn’t dictate what my role should be (SAHM, Working Mom, etc), I can create exactly what I want that to be: Melissa. Mom, wife, friend, blogger, business owner, volunteer and what I love most of all because it ties every single one of my jobs together: connector.
Cheers to finding your best years!