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Sitters vs. Squatters: The Revolution

Everyone is talking about political revolution these days, but I think it is time we start focusing on the truly important issues of our time, like the fact that women are frequently, and inadvertently, sitting on pee-soaked toilets way more often than seems reasonable.

If you are a “Squatter” – defined as one who hovers with their butt above the toilet like an alien spacecraft, spraying urine all over the seat, then leaving the bathroom with DNA splattered all over the place like a Jackson Pollock painting– this warning is for you.

We, the Sitters of the world, are done.  Do you hear me? We are D.O.N.E. We are officially declaring war on Squatters.

I have often wondered what “they” looked like.  Who are these arrogant heifers who think their butt cheeks are too precious to touch a seat other behinds have been on, yet think I enjoy an unsuspecting sit-down in their pee?

The arrogance of this is truly astounding to me.

One day I caught one.  It was in a Target bathroom and I happened to enter a stall just as a lady (and I use that term loosely) was exiting.  While she was washing her hands, I was in the cubicle using a scrap of toilet paper to clean her urine off the seat.

I stared at her through the crack in the door.  She looked normal.  Yet, something must be very wrong with her.

I did not confront her because then I would be embarrassed, which is completely irrational, I know.  But I make myself this promise now, and ask you, my fellow Sitters to join me:  The next time we catch one of them, we confront them.

You can be nice:  “Excuse me ma’am, I am not sure if you realize that your phobic reaction to public toilets has caused you to spray urine all over the stall like a cat in heat, and I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to clean up after yourself in consideration of the next user.”  Then quietly hold out a few squares of toilet paper.

Or you can be sarcastic: Do you charge for your Golden Showers or is this a freebie?

You could make some pre-printed post-its that you leave behind in every stall that says: “Don’t be a “B”, clean up your “P”.  Just pop one on the back of the door every time you relieve your own bladder.

I think if we can catch them – and shame them – that we can win this war on public health.  It’s worth a try, right?

Squatters:  You are on notice.  Start behaving like civilized, thoughtful human beings or we will call you out.

Sitters:  Who’s with me?

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