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Size really does matter

Ok class, listen up, because today we are going to be talking about knickers.

Ladies knickers to be precise.

Men have it easy – boxers or briefs, that’s it. The only thing they have to worry about is material.

But us ladies have it much harder.

Go into any lingerie department, and there is a smorgasbord of panties on offer, and we are faced with the dilemma of comfort over sexiness.

Take, for example, that most miniscule of undergarment known as the G-String. Now, call me unimaginative but why?

And more importantly…why?

A tiny scrap of material with a piece of string, designed to (barely) cover your lady garden and not much else. It’s the human equivalent of a cheese wire. I have to ask, why bother wearing any at all?

I have worked my way through all manner of smalls, and let me tell you, my affair with the G String was short lived – I spent the entire time trying to fish the damn thing out from between my buttocks and that is NOT a good look, let me tell you.

Tying two pieces of garden twine together would give more coverage.

The only thing a G String is good for is bunting – cut the strings off and you have ready made triangles of pretty material all ready to be turned into a party decoration.

It’s great for Pinterest.

The same goes for thongs – the only difference being that the string is slightly wider, and therefore there is more material to send in the search party for.

Moving on, you have the Brazilian.

These are cut so that the leg part doesn’t sit in the groin crease, but rather they display more of the vajayjay – so named because of the Brazilian wax, no pubic hair to try and tuck in.

These are ok, presumably, for young girls who haven’t had babies, or women who have worked damn hard to lose their baby bump after pregnancy.

I am neither.

And along with the fact that the front is narrower, they are also designed to sit higher on the tummy, therefore displaying more of said tummy.

And let me tell you, no matter how pretty the lace is, a fold of baby pouch either side is not an attractive proposition.

I’ve tried them and I’ve gotta be honest with you, it looks like I have a baby elephant stuffed in my gusset, who’s ears are trying to escape!

And talking of tummies…even bikini briefs are a no go when your body has been distorted out of shape like a stretch Armstrong doll (do you remember those, or am I showing my age here?)

Granted, they look lovely when one is standing upright (and possibly holding one’s breath in) but as soon as you sit down, or even slightly bend forward, the damn things roll down! If you’re quiet enough you can actually hear them ping as they migrate south and nestle in the cosy little nook under your kangaroo pouch.

A lovely look on a nice flat tummy, but as mine is more of a washing basket than a wash board these days, they are also a no-go.

They don’t feel that wonderful either. They are a glaring neon note-to-self that it’s time to hit the gym and give up chocolate.

So, getting on to safer territory.

There is a variety of undergarments called ‘The Midi’ which is a step up from the bikini, and a step down from full briefs. The sides are wider, and therefore less likely to roll down.

However, I have been put off these for life, since a former boyfriend of mine said he liked the white ones I was wearing; in fact his words were ‘They look innocent…’

The three dots that followed? They are in place of the three implied words ‘Like. A. Schoolgirl’.


I’m heading for the big Five O, and in perimenopause – I have no desire to be a ‘…’ for anyone.

Of course, you can always give nature a helping hand in the form of magic knickers.

They hide a multitude of sins and give you a wonderfully streamlined silhouette. However, an hour into the evening you find yourself unable to take anything more than rapid shallow breaths and are in dire danger of passing out from lack of oxygen.

So what do you do? Half way through your date, you excuse yourself to the ladies room, where you remove the offending garment and shove it in your handbag, and return to the table a much happier woman.

And your date wonders how going to the bathroom can possibly result in a 20lb gain.

And so, I’m afraid, it is ‘old lady’ full briefs for me.

These wonderful, kind, comfortable knickers which hold and hide everything without cutting you in two, without rolling down, or disappearing into your buttocks, are the equivalent of an underwear comfort blanket.

Believe me, a granny panty wearing girl, is a happy girl.

And a happy girl is SO much sexier!


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