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The 10 Phases of a “Man Cold”

It’s cold and flu season. This time of year causes panic in my home. With three kids, a cold can last two months in our house. As soon as one is looking better, the next kid gets the crud and the cycle begins all over again. The worst part of cold season is when my husband gets sick. For some reason, when he gets sick, the world ends. The sky comes crashing down, and life as we know it must stop. I love my husband, but I hate when he gets sick. It seems that when men get sick they need life support. When women get sick, we have to continue to care for everyone else while feeling like dog Sh$t.

It usually begins like this: (Phone Conversation)
Me: Hello?
Husband: Hi (Coughs into phone)
Me: Whats wrong?
Husband: I’m getting sick (Dramatic slow black lung cough)
Me: (Gigantic sigh) Ok. Do you have a fever?
Husband: I don’t know. I feel awful. I will see you when I get home (Voice sounds as if he is about to pass out from dehydration and exhaustion), that is if I can make it all day.
Me: (Second gigantic sigh) Ok. Love you.
Husband: (Scratchy voice) Love you too.

UGHHHHHHHH. So here you have it, the difference between men and women when they get a cold.

Cycle of a “Man cold”

1. Complains he is getting sick for about 3 days prior to the actual cold.
2. Retreats to the bed or couch.
3. Asks for soup. Complains that he is dying.
4. Asks to be pet. Complains that this may be the end.
5. Request compassion. Pouts like a puppy and put his head on your lap.
6. Acts like he is dying. Moans and groans like he is recovering from an organ transplant.
7. Gets up from couch or bed to complain in a different location.
8. Stops complaining to ask for more soup.
9. Asks for more compassion. He is sick damn it, pay attention to him.
10. Repeat for duration of cold.

Cycle of a “Woman cold.”

1. States that they are getting sick.
2. Wakes up with a cold.
3. Gets the kids ready for school.
4. Goes to work.
5. Picks up dinner.
6. Comes home to find husband sick on couch.
7. Takes care of everyone else.
8. Mumbles how much of a baby her husband is under her breath.
9. Tells her husband he is a baby and that she has the same damn cold.
10. Repeat for duration of cold.

This is how it goes in my house every damn time. I might be alone, but I am guessing there are millions of women out there, who have to deal with husbands who act like they have an incurable disease from the black lagoon. But watch out ladies, as soon as he is feeling better, he’ll try to cure your cold with his “home remedy.”

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