The Pregnancy Olympics
The following are events that I am suggesting for the Pregnancy Olympics. We all know that athletes who compete in the Olympics are some of the strongest humans on the planets…but they aren’t as strong as some pregnant women that I have known. In honor of pregnancy AND the completion of the 2016 Olympics in Rio I bring you…
The Pregnancy Olympics
The Toe Pick Up
I would have won a gold medal in this event when I was pregnant with the twins. In this challenge Preggos have to use only their toes to clutch shit off of the floor, fling it into the air and catch it with a laundry basket. Whoever has the most crap in the basket wins this event. It kind of makes me want to get knocked up one more time just so I can enter this event and KILL IT…cause I totally would.
The Stair Climb
This is not for the faint of heart…and you can only enter if you have gained over fifty pounds and/or are eight months pregnant. First one up the stairs wins. You get disqualified if you go straight into labor…don’t do that. You will totally ruin the game.
The Out of Bed Heave
This is all about gracefulness. I would compare this one to the beauty of rhythmic gymnastics or synchronized swimming. (Seriously- are those chicks even human??? No, I think not.) Again you have to be in your third trimester to enter this event. Whichever Preggo can most gracefully exit the bed is the winner. Congrats graceful preggies.
The Shoe Tie
This one is all about agility and speed. It is a race so you will have to bend down, tie your shoes and waddle to the finish line. No pushing girls…play nice. If you accidentally pee your panties a little bit you will automatically be disqualified.
The Vomit Recovery Event
First trimester entries only please. This one will include our mom judges looking at the gracefulness of Preggo recovery post vomit. You get points for not having vomit on your clothes or in your hair as well as hitting the toilet. This event would not have been my personal strong suit. I am pretty sure I walked around smelling like vomit for the first four months at least.
The Hormone Release Challenge
We all know that pregnancy brings on hormone swings that rival those of Cybil. When I think of the time I flipped out on my husband because he bought me an IPAD instead of new couches,(when I never actually TOLD him I wanted new couches,) I shiver in fear of myself. Whoever can dole out the most epic pregnant hormonal rant wins this one. Judges will be watching from behind bullet proof glass.
The Pants Pull
Whichever pregnant lady can get both legs into their trousers, pull them up, fasten them and waddle across the finish line is the clear winner. To be honest – I wouldn’t event sign up for this one. This sounds like a lot of work for a pregnant lady.
We will not be giving out Gold, Silver and Bronze medals here. Pregnant women don’t give a damn about medals. Our prizes will be as follows:
First Place: One month delivery service of the fast food meals of your choice, full-time maid and a post-baby boob job.
Second Place: A personal parking spot at the local Target and grocery store and an amigo waiting for you once you exit the car. The amigo will have a padded seat and readily available snacks…because no pregnant woman should have to grocery shop without snacking. It is mean.
Third Place: A lifetime supply of Rolaids and Depends.
Good luck my pregnant friends and may the strongest Preggo win!