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To The Sister That Was Once My Friend

Dear Sister That Was Once My Friend:

My life is a constant state of change. Some changes are for the good, like my divorce and meeting the love of my life. And then some changes are not so good, like the aftermath after my divorce and all that came with it.  I admit, there were times it was not pretty, most times it was darn right fugly.  My post-divorce era started a series of life altering events. It led me down paths unknown and untraveled.  How we each respond to our journey is called life.  There is no hand book to follow when it goes to shit.  There are no instructions on what to do, what to say, or how to react during those dark times.  We do the best we can with the situations we find ourselves in, hopefully coming thru better off than when we started.  We are damaged… we are suffering… and often in need of healing.  Now – my bad – for not knowing I was marrying one of the biggest asses on the planet, but what can I say, I told myself I was in love.  If we were all judged on every dumb ass decision we made, believe me, no one would come out a winner. And trust me when I say this… I beat myself up over not seeing the obvious flags and giant road signs in my life all the time, I don’t need anyone else riding that train; least of all family.

I never want to call anyone out for thinking or feeling a certain way about anybody or anything. I have learned that you can’t control how people see you, but you can control how you see yourself.  And before you say that I was just playing the victim or feeling sorry for myself, let me ask you, Sister, this… what exactly do you feel that I was “playing the victim on”?  Was it being in a horrible, degrading, mentally abusive marriage for 13 years?  Or suffering through my first miscarriage in the hospital being called pathetic because so-called husband had better things to do?  Maybe it was being walked out on when my first child was weeks old because so-called husband decided he never wanted to marry me or have children with me?  Could it possibly be being kicked out of my house after the birth of my second child because so-called husband decided that at a size 10 I was too fat for him to be turned on sexually?  And so as to not leave any of my post-divorce activity out … was it that after three years when I finally decided to date; the jack ass I picked turned out to be secretly married and took everything I had?  Or because there were many times I struggled to make ends meet?  Maybe it was because you thought I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself? Or my children? Or because I did not make the choices you thought I should make? I didn’t react in the way you wanted me to?

So yes, I MADE all those choices that put me through all those f****d up situations.  I refuse to apologize for making mistakes or decisions that I alone have already suffered for.  I refuse to live in my past and define myself by what other’s think I should have done or didn’t do when they haven’t been in my shoes.  Honestly, some people could never handle all that I have been through.  Whatever the end result ended being, I always acted out of love for my girls and my family.   Although I am not proud of some of the stupid, like really stupid, decisions I made… I am proud of the fact that I came through them a better person.  I may have fallen a lot of the times along the way, but I got up time and time again. I learned to make better choices.  I am a better great mom, a better Christian, a better friend and a better sister because of my experiences.  Where you see a victim… I see a survivor.  I feel sad that you will always see me as the “victim” and not as the courageous women that I have become.  I feel sad that you will continue to hold me accountable for things in my past when I have in fact come so far.  But most of all, I feel sad because we no longer share the friendship that we once had ….that now seems like a lifetime ago.

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