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Why Am I So Tired? A Timeline


– Change into pajamas. Liberally apply lip balm and hand lotion. Settle into bed. Cat1 curls up on my chest, Cat2 curls up at my feet.

– Wake up because Husband is snoring. Gently touch his shoulder and suggest he roll over.
– Cat3 sees activity and meows for food. Ask Cat3 to please be quiet.

– Wake up because Cat1 is sitting on my head. Remove cat. Spend five minutes picking cat fur out of my lip balm.
– Attempt to roll over. Inadvertently kick Cat2 off the bed in the process. Apologize to Cat2.
– Cat3 sees activity and meows for food. Ignore him until he stops.

– Wake up because Kid1 had a nightmare and is climbing into our bed. Move over to give him room as he snuggles into my arm and begins describing the nightmare.

– Kid1 finishes describing the nightmare.

– Wake up because Husband is snoring. Use free arm to tap his shoulder and tell him he’s snoring again, being careful not to wake Kid1, who is still snuggling on the other arm.
– Cat3 hears activity and meows for food. Tell Cat3 to be quiet.

– Wake up because Kid1’s frigid feet are on my back.

– Wake up because Kid1 gets up to use the bathroom. Door open. Lights on. Drops toilet lid. Twice.
– Cat3 follows Kid1 into the bathroom and meows for food. Kid1 tells Cat3 to be quiet.

– Wake up because Kid2 is lonely and is climbing into our bed. Move over to give her room as she wedges herself between Kid1 and what is now apparently my pins-and-needles Snuggling Arm.
– Cat3 sees activity and meows for food. Yell obscenities at Cat3.
– Apologize to Kid1 and Kid2 for cursing at the cat.

– Wake up because Kid2’s elbow is in my cheek.

– Wake up because Kid2’s knee is in my lower intestine.

– Kid1 and Kid2 are sharing my pillow and my half of the bed. I rest on a tiny, decorative pillow and four inches of mattress space.

– Wake up because Husband is snoring. Reach across two sleeping kids and punch him in the arm.
– Cat2 and Cat3 see activity and meow for food. Cat1 pukes on the carpet.
– Throw the tiny, decorative pillow at the cats. Cross fingers and hope the pillow did not land in cat puke.

– Give up. Get out of bed. Clean cat puke off tiny, decorative pillow. Go downstairs. Drink coffee.

– Husband and kids get up, come downstairs.

Husband: “Ugh. Why am I so tired?”
Me: *sipping 3rd cup of coffee
“No idea.”

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