Wife 3000 TM
Men rejoice! The future is here and her name is Wife 3000 TM!
She cooks! She cleans! She even shovels snow!
Having made critical improvements to the previous model, Girlfriend 2.0, the Wife 3000’sTM operating system no longer requires such time consuming maintenance as regular date nights, long passionate kisses or those pesky “just because” flowers.
The Wife 3000 TM is truly a breakthrough in modern relationship mechanics. Through repeated trials, we successfully identified the key factors that result in the “I’ll just do it myself!” override and we were able to make this life-changing function standard in all models. Dishes to wash? She’ll just do it herself! Bed to make, even though you were the last one out of it? She’ll just do it herself! Recycling needs to go out to the curb? I guess she’ll just do it herself!
Want kids? The Wife 3000 TM not only makes babies, but also takes care of them for you! We hear you, guys – parenting is hard work. Wouldn’t it be nice to share top billing with your partner but only put in a third or even a quarter of the work? Now it’s possible!! The Wife 3000 TM doesn’t even need your help, which allows you to freely choose which moments to share with your family. Midnight feedings? No, thanks. Saturday morning cartoons on the sofa? You’re all over it! Packing school lunches? You don’t even know what kids eat. Flying solo with your little ones in a messy house? Toy store, here we come!! We guarantee that being a father is totally awesome when you’re able to cut out the day-to-day boring stuff.
But there’s MORE!
Many of our models come equipped with their own careers! Does the thought of being the sole breadwinner make you feel burdened by too much damn responsibility? Well, imagine a household with TWO paychecks. While we can’t promise that it will be enough to cover all of your bills, at least you’ll know that your hard earned cash won’t be going towards purses and tampons! The Wife 3000TM Working Mom Edition not only contributes to the family expenses but also guarantees that you’ll never have to ask such uncomfortable questions as “What costs $150 at The HoochiCoochi Wax Salon?” and “Why do you have to spend $70 on a bra when they sell them for $15 at Wal-Mart?” You can sleep easy knowing that while you don’t have to share the household chores, you can share the household expenses.
Speaking of sleep, the Wife 3000 TM doesn’t even need any! You will be amazed at her ability to be dashing around the house before your alarm clock goes off in the morning and STILL be cleaning the kitchen or finishing up a school project when you drift off to dreamland.
Is she a robot? Haha, we get that question a lot! While the life has been drained out of her for optimal focus and hustle, Wife 3000 TM will display human emotions at random intervals in response to a variety of internal and external events. Although if shit gets TOO real, simply offer her wine and/or cookies for a full system reboot.
Additional features include:
- A durable will and immune system. Wife 3000 TM never gets sick! Even when she does, she isn’t!
- Bionic eyesight and full range of grabbing motions. That invisible sock on the stairs that you have been walking past for two days? She SEES it AND picks it up!
- Sex and backrub options! (note: options may vary between models)
- Inherent coordination of all appointments and duties relating to everything and anything including, but not limited to, school, doctors, family, groceries, holidays, meals, sports, activities, vacations, parties, wardrobes, spills, home décor, tantrums, laundry, transportation, bath time, childcare, socializing, pets, crafts, home repair, travel, nutrition, life lessons, sick days, landscaping and making you feel special.
Sound too good to be true?? It’s not, you lucky bastard!
What did you do to deserve this dream machine? We have no idea!
Seriously. No idea.
Wife 3000 TM
The wife you want for the life you want!