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You Don’t Have To Be Scared Of The “Edgy” Room Mom

I have always been involved in my child’s education. I figure I didn’t go through all that pain and discomfort to get him here so that I could ignore him. But I typically leave the big titled positions to moms who stay at home and who aren’t scandalous divorcees. This year that wasn’t really possible. The Ladies That Lunch (of whom I am desperately jealous) were either scared in my kid’s first grade classroom, or they were smart. So that’s how I became a Room Mom. I’m still working to convince the other mother’s that they shouldn’t be scared of me.

I see the looks they throw my way. They eye the crazy gypsy hair that I don’t attempt to tame, unless it’s to wad it up in a pouf on the back of my head (that my son loves for some reason), their eyes linger on the wrist tattoo and the dangly earrings, before glancing at my naked ring finger and smirking. I am a cautionary tale of all that could go wrong in their lives if they look and act like me. But I know something they don’t: us edgy moms are much more fun; that’s why their kids flock to us.

We will act goofy

If you’re a fancy mom you feel like you need to project a certain style and attitude. I am sure the thought that “mother’s don’t act like that” has crossed your mind more than once when I unabashedly do the Cupid Shuffle with the kids in the lunchroom, or when I high five a kid in the hallway rather than put my finger primly to my lips to shush them. The fact that me and my son have a special dance and that I encourage trash talking during games of Candy Land is lost on them. They feel silly doing silly things, while I feel nothing but glee. There’s power in being silly and not caring what others think, and edgy moms will do that without reservation.

We are game for whatever

Want us to come do word games with the kids or dress in pajamas for Polar Express day? No problem. Time to hike and we just got off from work and are wearing heels? Sure, fuck it. Let’s do this shit. Without that button that requires us to worry about what others think, we are free to enjoy life. You should seriously try it sometimes. I know you go to the gym, and you want me to be aware of that as you wear your gym clothes into class, while I sit there eating cookies with your spawn, totally getting crumbs all over myself. We will get dirty and we will rock out without makeup and your kid won’t be able to stop talking about how awesome we are. Deal with it.

We won’t sweat the small stuff

I know that everyone wants their child to be perfect. To look like a Baby Gap model and be perfectly coiffed and behave in a manner befitting future cotillion members, but kids are dirty and messy and say shitass things that they know they shouldn’t sometimes. Us edgy moms are okay with this. Sure, I would rather my kid didn’t look like he used his shirt as a napkin on pizza day, or that he didn’t feel the need to roll around on the playground like a dog in something dead and ruin a brand new shirt, but if I worried about that I would spend the rest of my life heavily medicated and that’s just no fun. Kids will be cheeky and I kind of encourage that. There’s a fine line between cheeky and disrespectful, and as long as they toe it, we’re solid.

We will be your kid’s favorite

Don’t doubt for one second that your kid will tell you about us – they will. And they will tell you how fun we are and how lucky our kid is that their Mommy is so badass (hopefully they won’t say badass. If they do you should be worrying about a lot more than me being in charge of designated crafting stations). The scared moms will wonder to their husbands about us, they might even ask the teacher who their kid is talking about. Me, bitch. Come have a cup of coffee and let’s be friends. Your kid will always love you, but I will be the favorite classroom guest. Because along with bringing snacks and giving high-fives when they get their sight words right, I will also encourage them to study really hard on that last word, I will tell them how awesome they are when they get things right, I will tell them their shoes are amazing and I will notice they lost another tooth.

You might be a little scared of the edgy room mom, you might find us intimidating, but we certainly can’t be that awful if we make time to take on the tasks that your ass didn’t want to, and make the best of it. We can’t be that scandalous if we can discuss dinosaurs and know about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and like to play Mario after dinner. Don’t be scared, get to know us, despite what you might think, not all of us are out to steal your husband. Plus, I can teach you how to make a mean banana bread.

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